So what do you want to do?

I went to church yesterday. I have been wondering every Sunday whether or not I should go to church. I go most of the time out of habit. When I do go, I feel either one of two things. Blessed that I went, or really stupid or ashamed at something that I did. I went this Sunday because I'm trying to make some good efforts to build my life instead of just giving up on it.

This weeks sermon was about money. I heard the sermon and it was pretty good. I must say that I had forgotten that everything belongs to God. And that I'm just a steward of it right now. It doesn't belong to me and even though I worked hard for it, I shouldn't hold onto it, because it will go to someone else at some point.

I was convicted about my money usage this past year. Man, I spent a lot of money here and there since I got a job thinking that I deserved these things, because I'm now working. I could have spent it better and I could have used my time better too. Happiness found in wealth is not happiness at all.

Something that the pastor mentioned struck me. People he knew who took a job because they felt that God wanted them there instead of taking a higher paying job are some of his heros. I look at what I do and I wonder, what does God want me to do? I really don't know and I'm not sure if I want to know. I don't know if I could trust God enough to get me through something that is God-sized. Maybe I'm of little faith...I guess I haven't gotten back into the game.

Anyway, the main point of the message is what are we focusing on? Money itself is not a bad thing, but we can make it into a God. Yeah, I guess I shouldn't focus so much on money.

So I ask myself, what do I want to do with my life? I'm not sure if I really want to do anything right now. I always struggle with where I'm going to go and how I'm going to get there. I guess I've got to do what I've got to do...

Today was our draft for Fantasy basketball.

I must say that I think that M has a good team...I mean, a really good team.

One thing that is going to make this year interesting is that there are 10 people in the league and the bottom 5 buy dinner for the top 5 after playoffs.

At the draft, two guys didn't show up, and another didn't show up until later, because Java wasn't installed on his computer.

I have a feeling that I might be on the bottom 5, but we'll see. I got 3rd last year...only because I did a lot more research and picked up some risky players who paid off. I can say that my lack of sports knowledge helped me to pick some of those players based upon their stats and my wanting to go for it all when I'm gambling. (Yeah, I should never go to Vegas or a casino.) Anyway...

After the draft, we played football today. There were about 7 of us who came and this other group from Lighthouse was there, so they played against us.

It was kind of embarassing for me, because I haven't played football since last Thanksgiving and even before that, I haven't played sports consistently for almost 2-3 years. I realized last year that I am not good at sports anymore. (Okay, I was decent...now, I'm just not very good.) I'm getting old and fat, even though I'm relatively young...

Last year, I realized that I know very little about football, when I was playing safety and I didn't play in a zone. I charged the guy running the football and they threw it over my head. But I'm learning little by little.

I think one thing that I should work on is being more aggressive. I felt like I was playing like a girl. (Sorry ladies, but really, most of you don't play rough.) I've never been aggressive. I think the closest I got was when I was playing basketball when I was a kid. But even then, I wasn't that aggressive compared to how people my age play now. Oh well...no big deal...

I keep thinking that if you're going to do something, do it NOW.

For my whole life, I've kept on procrastinating. As you can see, the things that I thought that I would be at this age never came. The only dream that came true was going to the college that I wanted to go to. That and making friends with some great people. But other than that, I haven't really realized any dreams of mine.

If you want to get something to happen, then you're going to have to work for it. The timing may not come when you expect it to be, but you have to be ready for when it does come. And you have to maintain your tenacity.

The question always comes up, "What if my dream never happens?" That is always a factor in any chance a person takes. Depending on how big your dream is, it may or may not happen . But if you don't prepare for it or try to achieve it, then it won't happen. Is it worth the risk of failing?

Don't get me wrong either. Sometimes, there are stupid risks. Be smart with what you do with your life, or you might not be here for very long.

Hmm...if I never take a chance, then I'll never succeed. If I never try to achieve something, then it will never happen. Work ethic is important. But, I feel like I'm taking the easy way out and doing nothing at all.

I guess I could complain all I want, but unless I actually do something to improve, then I'll be stuck here in the same place that I've always been. I guess it's no use blogging about it. Got to get off my butt and do something.

Something that my pastor said last sunday is going through my mind. "You should always be growing in your walk with God."

I look at my walk and I see that I have not spent enough time with God consistently. I have so much time on my hands and I spend most of it playing video games. I'd say that I'm spending time with God once or twice a week and that is not good enough for me.

I don't know why, but it's always hard to do something that's good for myself. Finding a balance...

Oto na ni narenai

I have one life to live, one life to give, and one life to build right now. I know that I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but next time, I'll do what's hard instead of taking the easy route out. We'll see what happens...

So why am I here again...?

The place where I work is not bad, but sometimes just hearing stuff there is. I guess that can't be helped.

At my workplace there is this other guy who went to the same university as me. He graduated a year before me and ended up at the company about the same time I did. He used to say, "I went to school for this?" when he would be unloading a truck. I'm in the same boat. I guess. My parents spent all that money on my education and what do I have to show for it? It's sad...yes.

I keep on thinking that I'll probably not find another job any time soon. What have I specialized in? Japanese.

Can I speak Japanese?
Barely, because I hardly use it anymore.

What can I do to improve it? Read Newspapers and study everyday. Also learn the stuff on the proficiency test.

Why aren't you doing it? No excuse, I'm just not doing it.

WHY??? Because I feel stupid.

For the end part of my school career, I've felt really stupid. I guess I understand now why some people hate school. If they fail, then they're less likely to feel good in it. Or, they give up. I can say that it was a variety of things going on in my life. One was that I didn't have very good time management skills. With a lot of things going on, then it's hard to do everything in less free time.

One quote that is a duh statement is, "College is harder than High school." I heard in my Economics class my Senior year when I decided to take Economics for fun. (Yup, smart move taking a freshman weed out class in your senior year.) I would say that that was a good class to take though, because I learned that money spent here is less money that you could have spent there. And that stock brokers can't predict how stocks are going to move any better than you or I could. Anyway, the point that I was trying to make before I got distracted was that I learned things a little later than others. I was still stuck in high school mode for most of my career in college. I actually would have done better in college if I didn't do so many social activities, but then again, I would have missed out on what it means to be human and to learn that I have a long way to go in that too.

I'm wondering why I'm here at this company. But it's teaching me that I still have a long way to go in terms of my maturity and well being. I haven't really dealt too much with people that I met in high school, but I'm finding that the place that I'm working at is very much like high school in some respects. But, I'd say that there are some cool people there that I don't get to talk to and that everyone is doing a job efficiently. There are some slackers there, yes, but even they work hard too for the work that they do. It's not a bad place to work. It's however, not an easy place to work at.

Well, something tells me that I can get out of there if I want to. I just have to do better than I did in college.

Another thing about Economics is that I learned that it's better to specialize in something than to be a jack of all trades. Why? When you specialize in something, you can become a lot better at it than spending so much time on various things and not reaching an expert level on something. What I learned in another workshop separate to this class was that if you work on improving things that you're not good at instead of improving things that you are good at, what have you done?

Lets say you have l

Have you ever felt like you've gotten into a routine that just doesn't end? I feel that way every time I go to work and it reaches the weekend. Then when the weekend ends, I feel depressed that work starts again. I wonder how many other people feelt his way?

Anyway, I think that I'm going to do horrible on my Japanese test, because I haven't been studying. I've been sleeping a lot and playing video games, because it keeps me awake. I won't say why I'm so tired, but those who know me will know why. And, no, it's not because I'm playing video games. I'm wondering if I'll ever make it out of this cycle.

My dog was barking at some guys doing landscaping at the yard next door, so I couldn't sleep for awhile. So I turned on the TV and saw a movie yesterday on HBO. It was called, "Love can't buy you a thing." It is the remake of an earlier movie called, "Can't buy me Love". Basically the story goes on about a nerdy guy who has some friends, but isn't popular. He pays this popular girl some money to be his girl-friend for a certain period of time and he becomes popular.

One thing that I liked about the redone version was that it had some humor in it that I don't recall in the original. The storyline moved at a good pace, and I thought that it had some okay points at the end. I thought that the original had a better point after seeing the end just recently while flipping channels. Anyway, I was a little kid when I first watched "Can't buy me Love" and even then I didn't understand any of what the movie was about. But I think that I would like the movie if I saw the original again.

Anyway, enough randomness...I gotta get going on something.

"Dump the attitude, get off your butt and work on it!" That was a line from the movie and I'd have to agree with it.

I keep writing about what I'm going to do, but unless I get down to it and do it, it's not going to happen.

I had a dream last night, or should I say this morning about two friends who are not really in my life that often. I dreamed that they were having a conversation about me. It wasn't the easiest thing to listen to, but I woke up after we all left the restaurant.

I took it as something that something is telling me to get going on what I need to do. I however, did what I expected to do. I played video games the whole day. When I looked up after I reached an intermission, it was already 3pm!

I guess this is something that has been a constant in my whole life. I played piano for 13 years of my life and have not played it consistently since. My teacher would tell me that I've stayed at the same level for quite awhile after she got frustrated at my lack of progress. I used to think that I was really good. That, was my problem.

Nowadays, I feel like I'm not so good and I don't try anymore. Which leads to more mediocrity and deterioration of skills.

Fellowship...

I keep wondering why I go to fellowship. I enjoy it and my friends are great, but I keep wondering, am I really growing? It has nothing to do with how it's being run or what we learn there, it just has to do with me not expanding on what I'm learning and digesting it. I guess if I played video games for one whole day, I should not expect to be growing if I don't work at what I need to.

I guess a relationship is much different than just learning about something.

That's the thing, I'm not consistent. Consistent...that word just opened up another can of worms. Which, I won't go into. I can say that I don't know what to say anymore when it comes down to things. Maybe I should stop writing and actually do something instead of walking around and around and around in circles.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should go into video games instead of Japanese. I don't know anymore.

Make a decision and stick with it. Yeah...

Sometimes I wonder how long I'll be at this job. I don't know if they're going to fire me for a whole bunch of reasons going through my head, or if I'll find another job soon. I'm kind of thinking that nobody really likes me at this place.

Someone told me that "everyone thinks you're a saint...it's kind of annoying really." I was kind of surprised. "Saint?" it's kind of weird, because I get the feeling that people don't like me. Plus, I hardly feel like a saint at all. I feel like I'm the opposite.

Anyway, I wonder why I'm here. Why am I doing this job? Two reasons, I need a job, and I don't feel confident enough to get another job in Japanese. Also, I have more time to study when I'm doing a job for only 4 hours.

Anyway, one of my former roommates told me not to worry about things like this. I can see why he's happy, he just lets things be. He doesn't worry about what he can't help and does what he can help. He really is a good guy.

I know that I'm capable of becoming a much better person than I am right now. I was doing really well at one point, then things sort of crumbled. I lost it and I haven't recovered. I must say that it is good that I didn't stay up in the sky for too long, because it is helping me to learn how to deal with problems. But I wonder, do I really want to get well? I want to say yes, but I'm still learning how to deal with success.

When people compliment me, I tend to not take it as a compliment. Mainly because I've always been put down by someone when I got big headed. Maybe that's why I feel like such a loser sometimes.

Okay, I'm going to try to not put myself down and I'm going to try to build myself up. Heh, build myself up. Why is it that I'm always having to rebuild what I once started...

I guess the answer is that I tear it down. heh. Okay, enough depressing things. Have to stick to it if I really want it. If I want growth in my life, then I'm going to have to work at it consistently, and stick to it. It doesn't come easy at first, and some things may never come easy, but if you want growth, then you'll have to do what you should be doing and cut out what you should not be doing. Easier said than done, I know...but I got there once, I'm trying to get there again...

Set your minds on things above, not earthly things (Colossians 3:2)

Work sucks, I know...

I've been hating my job recently. I'm tired of doing this job but I think that I'll probably be here for awhile. I can attribute the factors leading to why I hate my job, but the fact is that I need this job to earn some income. I can't live in my parent's hous forever.

Anyway, there are some good people at my workplace, but there are some people who I can't really understand too well. It's kind of like going back to high school. People have their own lives and problems that they don't tell others about. Plus, it's not like you get to talk to everyone there. Most of the time, I'm barely talking. And sometimes I'm intimidated to talk to some people there.

My supervisor is great though. He is a guy that is worthy of the job. He cares about the people more than the work. But he still knows how to get us to work without making us feel bad. I can say that I'm glad that he's my supervisor.

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I'm tired of working at such late hours and feeling bad almost every single day, because I can't sleep 8 hours in a row. Usually I can only sleep around 4-6 and I fall back asleep later at night before work starts. However, I feel good after work ends.

I guess it's no use complaining about it. If I really want to do something else, then I should work on improving my skills to do something else. I feel like I just don't want to do anything.

Well...I guess there's another way of looking at things. I'm lucky that I have a job. After all that time looking after school ended, I didn't find a job that I could stay for the short term. There were a couple of jobs that interested me, but they required a very long stay...longer than I would have liked. With this job, I can leave at any time that I want. I do a fairly decent job at my work, even though some guys get angry that I miss some of the open boxes, I'd say that I'm catching most of them.

There will always be things to complain about. I've been complaining to myself almost everyday. But, it would be helpful if I looked at what positive things I do have.

I'm alive. I have a job. I have a place to sleep. I'm really lucky to have these things. If I want better things, then I'm going to have to create some skills by learning them. I know that it's not always that easy, but hearing some stories from people who have experienced life longer than me, I'd say that they've all struggled at some point, but things worked out later because they made some good choices.

Anyway, I know that life will never be easy. However, I have the cards that I'm dealt, and I've got to use them and do what I can with them. Man, if I want to get out of this job, it really depends on me.

What's amazing sometimes is how some people who go through hardships stay or become great people. I'm always amazed at some people's faith...how strong it is and how they are not bitter about what has happened in the past. I hope that someday, people will see that in me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I can't look so far into the future that I forget where I am now. However, I can't stay in one place and feel depressed at where I am.

I'm wondering...what is the next step?

There's that old proverb. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It may seem daunting to get to someplace that's far off, but you've got to start somewhere. Even if it's only a little step, if you keep walking, then you'll get closer to your destination. However, you have to keep walking in the right direction. And, you have to keep walking. I guess I need to stop the blog and take a step. It's one thing to say something. It's another things to actually do it.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Sometimes it's not the destination that is the important part, but the journey. Growth is more important than receiving the reward. Why? Because to people of faith, your life does not end at death. The soul is eternal.

Gotta keep moving. Regroup and go at it again...

I've found it hard to pray today. I think that watching the 9th episode of "Band of Brothers" yesterday really disheartened me before I went to sleep. It's pretty crazy what kinds of things went on in the past.

I sometimes question why things happen. How could God let this happen? How could God stand by and let people suffer like this?

I know that God knows all the things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. He knows all of this, because unlike us, He is outside of time...or so I've heard people say. Like I or anybody else would know. But, as I've heard in class, God is a god of History, or time. Granted that was in my Hebrew Bible class and the older notions of what God is about. But to me that seems good enough of an explanation.

Anyway, I guess I'll never know why God lets these things happen. I know that it's tougher to be God than to be me though. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing. I also have to do my part and also be the person that He wants me to be.

History is doomed to repeat itself if we don't remember the past. I'm not sure where we're going, but I think that we're in for some struggles ahead. Just by how things look now, and what's happening, worse things will come. I think that it's because of a lack of understanding on our parts. I really don't know what President Bush is doing. I think that he has made some bad decisions in terms of the environment, the war in Iraq, and just how he has really created the biggest deficit in history by any president, even with excluding the disaster of Hurricane Katrina.

I wonder...with the way things are going now, what will the future bring? And, what am I going to do? What am I going to do...

Right now, I'm going to study Japanese. I may be naive, but I think that this is something that I should be doing. Not sure why though...

Sometimes I wonder...why the heck am I here. I don't know the answer to that. Only that I'm here and I need to do something.

Anyway, I thought that I was going to get fired today, but it turns out that it wasn't anything like that at all. I've been sick the past couple of days and I thought that I wasn't working so well. I was missing a lot of boxes...to me I've felt like I'm working really crummy. Maybe I was, but I've just got to get some rest and recover.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hearing my dog snore while I'm awake studying Japanese before I go to my job makes me really want to do better on this next test. I could be sleeping right now, but because I work odd hours (graveyard) I'm awake and it is taking a toll on my body.

I guess it's no use complaining. Just do what you need to and get it done.

I gave myself some hw to do so that I would finish my study guide before the test. I'm seeing that there's still a lot that I don't know and a lot that I've forgotten over this past year. The term "Use it or lose it" rings true.

You may be asking what test I'm talking about. The Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I didn't pass the level that I took last year, so I'm taking it again. Hopefully, I won't have to take this level over again.

Anyway, I think that I'm going to get some sleep before work...

Revelation...

Check out Max Lucado's book, "You are Special" That basically sums up what I'm thinking right now.