Maybe I just don't want things to be better too badly...maybe I'm content with being average or below average. I mean, if I really wanted to do something, then I'd work for it right? If I don't make changes or sacrifices, then I won't get any better. Maybe I just want to live comfortably...maybe that's why I'm not working any harder.

I was taught that hard work does pay off. It has in the past...but for some reason, I just started to drop off in Jr. High.

Anyway, as the Bible says, "God is not mocked! a man reaps what he sows." Meaning that if you work for bad things, then you'll receive bad things. If you work for good things, then you'll receive good things. I'm not talking about karma, but what I'm talking about is growth in your personal life. Meaning, you plant things in your life everyday...what you do each day, what you work for, or what you don't do or what you are lazy in. Or, it could be some bad things that will change or warp you.

This whole verse always comes to mind in that God will honor whatever you do in that each action has a consequence. You may not see the results early on, but later on in your own life, they'll be there. And if you keep on doing them, they'll still be living, like a plant.

So, with that said...it's true that if you don't use it, you lose it. Hmm...I'm thinking that it's going to take a long time for me to get any better at something...and I guess that's the way it should be. I can see why people get frustrated at me...and they have good reason to be.

Anyway, maybe I should stop blogging about this broken record...

In other news, my brother came back this past week for a gig. It seems like he's really busy nowadays. I don't know how he can do so much. I couldn't handle all of that. But like sports, I guess if you work on something and are successful at it, then you can handle more.

Well...I'm thinking...I've been at this stage several times in my life...some times I was successful, because I made a change and worked hard at it. But other times, I failed, because I just didn't start early enough to be successful when the date came. The day I had to prove myself.

I guess training and practice are what I need...to be successful. And it starts with changing myself...and changing my life...cutting corners will not be good...like performance enhancing drugs...they hurt you in the end...even though they give you some early success, you'll pay for it later on. God is not mocked...man, I guess the phrase, "everything is hard" is true.

I'm thinking that I won't pass the JLPT. Anyway, got other things to think about now...the boss is thinking of talking to me tomorrow, so that probably means that he's going to move me to some other job in the company...not sure if that's a good thing...or worse, he's going to fire me...but yeah, maybe I'll be doing something else...

Anyway, regardless, I'm just glad that I got my hours in...I'm wondering if I'll be taking over someone else's place that will be leaving soon. It's going to suck, because work has been fun because we had some funny conversations in the group that I'm in now. But I guess I've got to do what I've got to do. No complaints...it's a job.

It shows me that I need to gain some skills...or else I'm going to go nowhere.

Man, I'm thinking about today and just some of the things that happened. Anyway, it's nothing big, but I'm seeing just how empty everything is and what is most important to me. Anyway, seeing things from the other perspective, I'm reminded that there was someone else who was rejected by his own and misunderstood.

Anyway, whatever happens, and whatever doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger. So many people out there are lost, but I'm not concerned for the many, but the few that I know that are. Maybe I'm lost too in that I still have some things to take care of.

Anyway, God loves the people in the world...but man bad times are coming...I don't know when, but I just know that there will be someday...

This past weekend, I didn't want to go on the church retreat. I wanted to skip out and play video games at home. But I went...even though I was a little late.

It was good though and I think it was something that we needed to hear. I still have to process all that went on in the messages. I feel that this is something that I needed to hear to grow and become more like the early church.

Anyway, there's so much in the Bible that we don't know about because we just don't have the background on it. But man, when the background was put into context, boy did it make a lot of sense in the speaker's message.

So yeah, we'll see what happens...it may not happen with a lot of people, but I want it to happen with me...what I'm talking about is change. And maybe it won't happen...but I do believe that God is true to His word that if you are faithful in a little thing, then God will trust you with more. If you aren't faithful in a little thing, then who will trust true riches to you? Leveling up. heh

Why is it that I relate so much of my life to RPGs? heh

Anyway, I know that God can do great things through those who are faithful. I've seen it in other people...and I want that in my life. But we'll see...maybe I'm on a retreat high right now. When I hit the working world tomorrow, maybe things will go back to normal. I hope not...

Anyway, it was definitely a message we needed to hear. And I'm glad that I went.

I got so wrapped up in making money and the material things of this world that I forgot that there's so much more to life than earning a paycheck. I thought that I was happy, but I found out that there is so much more awesome things out there in ministry and in Christ.

I also felt like I grew up a little bit. Thinking about things I felt that I learned how to relate to people a little better and to not take things for granted. Still have to work on that more though.

Anyway, I want to write more, but it would lose its meaning in that this is a word from God to our church and other people and churches may not be in that same place yet. So I won't publish what I learned. But yeah, definitely I need to learn how to relate to people who are different from me and not run away from those who are in sinful lives or different cultures. Now I understand what my pastor was talking about all those years ago. Man, apparently the speaker was someone whom God placed there to bring us this message.

Yes our church needs to change, but we can't make it change...we can only change ourselves and point others in the right direction. If we all do this, then of course our church will change. During our times of aloneness and meditation, will we learn...heh, yeah, I guess I'll be ruminating more...

Crazy stuff....

Today, or should I say last night, someone tried to break into the company and who knows what they were looking for. All I know is, I should probably leave before dark and come in early. hmm...

Anyway, someone broke the window and ran in, but the alarm scared them off. Yeah, that's a good thing to have an alarm when you have a company. heh.

I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing in the future. I don't know where I'll be or what circumstances I'll be in.

When I was working my graveyard shift job about a year and a half ago, I felt like I should be saving up my money...even before then, I felt that same feeling. I thought that God was telling me something...but I didn't know what it was.

A year ago, during this time, I was in Japan...using some of the money that I saved up. A lot of it went to the plane ticket, a new suit, new shoes, a new waredrobe (actually my mom paid for that...) and just a lot of wondering how I'm going to survive with this rent to pay and bills also. One thing that I never had to worry about in Japan was money. Being an ALT paid pretty well even for someone who worked for a English teaching company.

During my time there, I ended up buying a crapload of video games and still saw my account rise.

On March 2nd, 2007 though, I received the phone call that ended that streak. I was told that they didn't want me to teach another year as my performance was below par. My heart skipped beats as I wondered what I was going to do in the future. This was the job that I left everything in the States for...this was the job that I went halfway around the world for. Now it was ending. Even though I was expecting/dreading this phone call, I knew that it was probably for the best. I always thought to myself that these kids deserved someone who can teach them English at a higher level. And that wasn't me.

Coming home, I wasn't worried about finding a job any time soon, but I knew that i needed one soon so I wouldn't be wasting my time doing nothing as I spent one year doing while I was waiting for a job that never came. It was strange this time though, I didn't have to do anything to get this job and I'm lucky that I even have this job that i have now. I'm lucky that I have good friends.

For some reason, I feel the need to save money again. I don't know why, but I can only hope that nothing bad is going to happen. I don't earn much, but I know that there are good reasons to be a good steward with what you have.

One thing that my pastor told me in a conversation i had with him was that one reason why we give to the church or other missionaries or help in other programs is that we give to bless. The church does a lot of good things with the money...well...not all churches, but the purpose for the church is to bless the nations and "to proclaim the good news to the nations" also.

We don't give to be blessed and I don't believe that God will make our lives easy if we follow Him. It has gotten me thinking that maybe I've got it all wrong this past year. I chose the easy path away from God and not the harder path that leads to lives being changed.

Anyway, not saying that i'm going to follow that harder path right now, but I've been thinking about things since I came back...it's really different in Japan and the US. I think that if I got involved with a church there in Japan, I would have had a different outlook during my time there and would have made a better difference rather than being just another person there.

I don't know why I feel the need to save money. Maybe this is a sign that I'm using too much money on things like snacks and video games. And when I think about things again...i'm left with the thought..."is it worth it?" What am i seeking in life? What do i really want to do with my life?

I don't know if I should go back to Japan someday...but maybe someday, I will go back and hopefully I'll be stronger and more dedicated. But who knows...I could be stuck in the same place I was 3 years ago and 3 years before that. I need to change and the first step is making a choice each day...not something that I really want to do in changing my life...and I feel that maybe it won't happen...but I have two choices in each decision...run away, or face it.

Someone asked one person at work today about money. "If God told you to give all your money away would you do it?" He replied, "Of course. If God told me to, I would." But then he was asked about hesitation and if he could do that if it really did come around in life. Of course we can't know until the time comes.

Anyway, I'm not sure what i'm thinking about money...Why the heck am I thinking about money? I don't know...and maybe I need to start focusing on something else.