I can't believe how much I spent in a month. I bought more than I thought that I did this month. Man, I spent my whole paycheck! I know because this is the first month that I kept track of how much I spent from the receipts and wrote it down on excel. Crazy.

Man, I'm terrible with money. When i think about other more important things, I realize that I haven't been thinking of them at all. Missionary friends, or saving up for future education, or even if I meet that special someone somewhere...No idea if I'm ready for that though, so I probably shouldn't look.

Anyway, this week, how i've changed my habits is that I tried not to visit the store to buy food. It's not like I'm starving myself, but yeah, I have so much food in my apartment already. Instant curry, instant ramen, Miso base, and a heck of lot of junk food. hehe. Really, I'm trying to only go to the market when I need to buy meat, cheese, and coffee. I'm thinking that I'm not going to stay another year so i'm trying to get rid of all the food in my pantry before I have to move and throw stuff away. But I still have to think about it some more.

Anyway, lets put it this way. There have been some great people here, but then again, there are a lot of people who probably don't like my lessons, including the kids, and may not think much of me as a person. While I try not to care about things like that, I'm thinking...maybe they'd be better off with someone else. Maybe I too would be better off somewhere else.

I can't expect to be a great teacher in 7 months. I can't expect to teach great lessons every time, but, when I'm running out of material, then i'm thinking...maybe it's time for me to come back home.

Anyway, my feelings were hurt for the past two to three weeks. I'm not sure if I want to stay in this area. I do know however, that I won't see the impact of my life here while i'm here. I'm just not strong enough in God to do so. I guess time is the key. What God can do in each person's life. It's pretty crazy here. It reminds of how China was back in the 1800s to 1900s when the foreigners were coming with the Word of God. I don't know much history, but I do know that because the British were oppressing the Chinese, that a lot of Chinese had trouble believing in what the Christians brought with them. Some even believed that missionaries who adopted Chinese babies only adopted them to eat their eyes. Some crazy stuff like that, because what can you expect when people who are oppressing you have people come and try to do stuff with you?

Anyway, i'm not saying that all the missionaries were good. Some probably were more righteous than others, but definitely being a missionary back then was serious stuff as you probably would die in the land that you went to to preach the gospel for the kingdom of God.

I don't know what to say anymore. I am not a good witness here. I failed many times. I hurt some people's feelings. I caused some people to see me and most likely others after me in a negative view. But maybe that's it...I just haven't been doing what I should be.

Anyway, there were no opportunities to share. Maybe I wasn't looking for them. Maybe it would cast a bad light on other Christians if I did. Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. I've always tried to achieve greater things, but I've always fallen short. It's like running a great race and not being prepared for it. You run hard, but then you get too fatigued to continue. I guess I need to train better and not slack off everyday. Okay, I'm in no shape to do this right now. Maybe I should come home.

Anyway, I haven't fully decided, but I'm leaning more towards coming home. I don't have a reason to stay in terms of my teaching. Some kids like me and some kids hate me. I think the reason is that I just will never be what people expect of me. Or since I came in the middle of the school year, that some kids liked the other teacher better. He was a great teacher I heard. Hard for me to follow in his shoes. But yeah, it just seems like I was destined for failure ever since training. Oh well, it's probably not my fault. And I can't help it if I don't meet their expectations.

Anyway, given the amount of complaints that I've received, I'm not receiving too much love from the teacher's side either. Anyway, for my personal health, I think that I should return. heh

anyway, I should try to save money in the time I have left, because I don't know when I'll have a job. I guess I could always go back to my old job. But I'm thinking...maybe I should try to utilize my time in Japan right now and try to translate some stuff. Heh. Translate...that takes time. Which I don't have. I think that March will come quicker than I will think. I don't know if I'll have another year to stay in Japan. But maybe it won't matter. I don't have a reason to stay here. I haven't taught a good lesson in awhile. If I do decide to stay...I'm thinking that I'd better have a good reason to stay. I'm not too happy at school. As most of the ALTs in my area are feeling the same way.

I think that the clash in culture has something to do with it. I don't know. Maybe it's just this area that I'm in. Kantou region vs. the other regions. Hmm...maybe it might be better to go home. Anyway, I guess I need to depend on God through it all. He's the only one I have to turn to.

Rogue Galaxy

I haven't played it yet, even though I own it here in Japan, I have still yet to buy a PS2 or PS3. The US version is supposed to be version 1.5 of Rogue Galaxy. They listened to the gamer's complaints about the game release in Japan. Some levels were extremely hard, while the next level would be extremely easy. Level 5 (the developer) made new changes to the game for the North American release.

If you're interested in seeing some screen shots, you can find it on the circuitcity website at www.circuitcity.com Or you can find it here

If you want to read more about it, you can find it here on gamespot found here.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to buy the US version when I have a copy of the Japanese version, but it might be interesting to see how they improved the game, except for the computer AI of your other characters. Maybe they improved that too. Who knows. Anyway, I've got to get to work.

I think...why is it when you're weakest means that you're strongest? I know that the only reason why that would be true is that you're depending on God instead of yourself. I can't seem to get that down, as I tend to rely on myself. I don't know how to depend on God. And I know from experience that it doesn't mean just letting God do what you're supposed to do. heh. God doesn't do what you're supposed to do. But I guess when I ask, He's there.

I guess I need to be praying more throughout this week. I've been struggling quite a bit in terms of wanting to go to work. I don't want to deal with this job anymore as I've only received complaints and disappointments. I guess if I participated more, then I would feel better, but I am reluctant to go out and take chances again. I'm tired of always disappointing someone. Maybe that's just one thing that I need to learn to live with. I can't please everyone. I can only please myself.

I guess I did do some good lessons now and then. Even this past simple lesson went well for the most part. Even though the head teachers and principals don't see my lessons, I know that at least the kids are understanding this stuff. That's good enough for me.

Oh well...don't give up. Work on being a better person.

I keep on forgetting how good God is. I have to make it to church. Oh well...we'll see. I probably will miss this next week too, unless I go visit G-sak in Tokyo. I don't know what to say. I probably won't be able to get my lesson done. I guess I should do what I said in my other blog. Just do the simpler lessons and just don't try to make something too extravagant. Man, I like making awesome things, but it just seems like I just don't have what it takes right now. Oh well...keep on trying to improve and maybe someday I will be able to.

Yes, someday...what some people hate. Someday may never come. hehe. Maybe they're right. Maybe I need to do it now.

Heh. Anyway, something that I just heard on Steven Curtis Chapman's cd was, the Change. I'm wondering if I need to die daily again. I guess I have work to do. I have not been lately. For about maybe 5 years. hehe. That's quite a bit of time. oh well...never too late to start again. Man, I so don't want to do that. But then again, if I want to make a difference here, I'm going to have to. Man, I really don't want to do this.

To PS3 or Not to PS3?

I am thinking of buying a PS3 while i'm here in Japan. I'm not sure if I should do that given the fact that the money could be better spent elsewhere. But I think that I should at least play the games that I have already.

Anyway, the reason being that I'm not sure if the later editions of the PS3 will be region free or not. Plus I would like a Blu-ray disc player that plays the next gen of DVDs. But we'll see. Probably in 3-5 years, the PS3 will be outdated.

One good piece of good news is that I found that the PS3s will be region free for PS3 games. But not for the PS2 and PSone games. It will not be region free for backward compatability. Also, i found that some games do not work on the PS3. The reason sony says is that some companies didn't follow spefications for their games. Almost all the psone Final Fantasy games have problems on the PS3. anyway, if you're interested in which games are backward compatible for the PS3 you can find the site here.

If you want to read the article on Gamespot about PS3s being region free, but not movie region free, then you can find the article on gamespot here.

If you want to find more info about the PS3 in general, then you can check out an article on wikipedia found here.

Anyway, I could buy it off of www.yesasia.com for about $650 for the Japanese version. But 59980 yen is around $508 US dollars. I keep on wondering...do I really need this? And especially, do I really need this now? And, is it worth it to spend money here when I could spend it elsewhere that could be used for something else more important?

One reason why I am buying a lot of video games now is that I know that many of these games will not make it to the States. But then I think...I probably won't get a chance to play all of these games when I get back to the states if I have no time to play them now. That's just one reality about being an adult. You have to work and it will take up a lot of time if you do a traditional job. Maybe this is a sign that I should do something else that involves playing video games. heh

crazy...

All I can say this is one of the weirdest and funniest interviews that I've seen. Anyway, hopefully Paula gets back on track. You can find the link here.

Man, I'm freaking tired. I keep on falling asleep. i don't know what it is, but I just don't have that much energy anymore. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, Yeah, that's probably it. Even though I'm not that old, I'm freaking so tired all the time. Oh well. That's what I get for not getting enough sleep. heh. I'm not a kid anymore. It's kind of funny. I'm told that as you get older, you need less sleep. But I'm finding that I need more. Oh well, I guess everyone's different.

I think that this is the toughest job that I've had to do. This teaching job. I'm working on lessons late at home and falling asleep while I'm working on them. I'm wondering if I should not go for another year. That is if they give me another year.

I don't know what I'd be doing when I get home, but I do know that I can do something...while it may not be Japanese, I can probably do some manual labor type of job again.

Heh, it's funny. There was this guy at the video game store ebgames...I asked him if they had any more of valkyrie profile, for the psp, brand new and not the display model. He checked and found the last copy for me that was in the shrinkwrap.

He asked me if I would like to sign up for a preorder for this new game coming out that is kind of off the wall like valkyrie profile. I told him that I'm going to japan to teach English. He then got excited, because he used to teach English in Japan. He has a great sense of humor and I could tell now that he probably did well in Japan because he is so upbeat and funny.

Anyway, I was thinking...hmm...Japan didn't do very much for you. He's working at a video game store. But now that I think about it, I could be in the same boat. Actually, working at a video game store doesn't seem so bad. But still, I'm thinking that if I want to get anywhere, I need to work on my Japanese. Freelance translating...maybe...still, I'm kind of paranoid about giving my ss number to people that I don't know. Especially if it's freelance and it could be anybody who is trying to take that. Dah, I guess that's how most people get started in translating. Freelance, manga or anime. Manga and anime I mean the fan subs and fan translated versions not the professional ones.

Anyway, I'm not learning how to use Japanese any better here. I only know how to use what I learned from class a little bit better. Also, I can understand what people might be saying for some reason by their body language or tone of voice. I'm not understanding their words most of the time. Maybe this is a sign that I need to go to church. Use Japanese at church, because you won't get a chance to actually speak to people in Japanese that much in your free time. I mean, actually having a conversation with them.

Oh well...maybe I should stop writing about this and actually do something about it. Man, I don't want to. But sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do. Why the heck did I major in Japanese? Maybe I should go back to school.

I look at people of faith who are greater than most people I know. One is a little old lady who has taken great steps of faith throughout her life. I was reminded of her as I was reading Luke 14.

The first shall be last and the last shall be first.

Reading verses 12-14 in Luke chapter 14, it reminds me of her.

Anyway, the city wanted to give her an award for the work that she's been doing and she told them that she didn't want it, because if you are repaid for what you do here, you won't receive it in heaven, she said. But she didn't tell them that. So they said, "it would be an insult to reject the mayor's award." So she took it.

Anyway, I think the best part about serving with her is that she would tell stories of her life and how she saw God work in her life. It was pretty encouraging to hear just what she had been through and how the Lord was faithful to her despite the hardships.

When I got to the latter part of the chapter, I was reminded that I must put the Lord first in my life. It's pretty extreme...doing that. I'm not saying that I could do that, but saying that I should do that. Why? If you knew what God had gotten me through and how He had been faithful to me regardless of my sin, then you would know that I owe Him my life. Giving it to God is the hardest part, because 1, I have things that I want to do. But, as I'm seeing, sometimes God honors what you want to do and can use you there to do His will. Basically, what I want to do can be part of what God wants me to do. But if I'm called into ministry, I'd have to really think about it as I do not think that I could do that right now.

We'll see. I haven't been faithful these past four months. And even before that at my previous job, I wasn't faithful. Despite God saving my life, I have not been a good son to Him.

One of my friends thinks that there are daily things that God does to protect us. That His angels are doing His work to protect us from harm. It's not always happening in my opinion, but I do say that I should have been dead more times than nought. heh. Anyway, it's always something that reminds me that I need to get back to God. It's too easy to forget how good He's been to me.

I'm now back in Japan. Not sure what to write anymore as I haven't written in about 2 weeks. I played a lot of video games back home and maybe I shouldn't because I got sick during that time and am sick right now. I am getting better though.

I can honestly say that going back home was refreshing. It was good to see some old faces and to see that everyone is doing well. It was also good to be among Christians again as I haven't been making it to church out here. In fact, I missed yesterday also. Crap...

Anyway, I slept the whole day yesterday, so I guess it counts for something. Today however, I need to get my planning done and get going on this trimester's work. I only have about 3 months left here, so I should try to make the most of it while I'm here.

Funny how I didn't spend that much time exploring Japan while I was here. Guess not much has changed in that sense of me. I should probably eat at more restaurants here, but I probably will not. Well...maybe I should at least try one restaurant a week.

Man, the food in Japan is good though, but it's kind of pricey sometimes. What's 700 yen here and there.

Video games...

I want to play video games, but I am going to do my work first. At least one part of me is responsible here. heh. However, I was really lucky this past trimester that I didn't get in any worse trouble than I did. But I'm thinking that the company won't hire me again anyway, so it really doesn't matter now does it? I'm joking...really, I am. Anyway, these kids deserve good lessons and a chance to compete in the education world. I could have been screwing them over with my lessons, but I still think that I did an okay job given that I have no previous experience teaching and I had to leave training early to get to the first day of school for that trimester.

What can I say...I've been really lucky so far. I think people's prayers have helped me get through the tough times and also get started on this time in Japan. Now, I just have to finish it. Man, I hope that this is not going to be another repeat of last year. Well, I guess it just depends on me.

Anyway, I've been spending way too much on video games lately. I guess I should limit myself to an allowance on video games. heh. Part of me thinks that I could sell these games, but in reality, I want to play them, that's why I buy them. But who knows...I might not ever get the chance to if I keep on buying games left and right. I guess there's no option but to sell. Okay, stop buying video games...now...