Somehow, I've been losing my mind. I don't feel like I can handle all the things going on in my life. I feel like I can't handle being an adult...maybe I haven't grown that much in all this time I've been on earth, but it just seems like all these things are piling on top of me one after the other.

And maybe it's partially due to the fact that I'm not doing anything to help myself either. Being 4th of July weekend I found that I could be resting instead of staying up late but part of me just can't shake the feeling that I want to feel better about life. I want to feel better about being me instead of always feeling like I'm messing up.

I moved home from living in a house with two other guys, because things just didn't work out. As one of my friends put it, "I believe that some people just should not live with each other at all." they're good guys, but I feel that maybe God didn't want me there. I wasn't getting what I needed to get done. I wasn't doing what I should be doing. In the end, God took it away from me, even though I was having a lot of fun being there.

With my job, I feel that maybe God might take that away from me too. I feel that things are getting busier at work and I'm stressing out a lot with the workload of more work...some of it I'm not able to get done. I hate feeling like I'm a bad worker when I can't finish all my tasks, however it's not my workplace that puts those feelings on me, it's myself. In the end, I'm only human and can only do so much.

Anyway, today, I broke down and lost it. I felt like nobody cared and that I should quit this job. I felt so bitter and the events of life and work piling up and me being irresponsible just really got to me. I felt like I couldn't handle this anymore.

People at work kind of responded to me in some sense. And everyone gave some good advice...however, I still can't help but wonder what I'm doing there. What am I doing there that is beneficial for the company? I feel like I'm not doing anything useful there. I wonder what purpose I serve there, but maybe I won't know until years later down the line when I look back at what the company has become.

I wonder what I'm doing here on earth and what purpose I serve here. Part of me feels like I just don't know what to do. I mean, is life just to experience life and live it? Isn't there some more purpose to it than that?

Part of me feels lukewarm and that I'm a poor witness. Maybe I am...maybe I am. Wrestling with God is never easy, and one should not give up on life even when one gets kicked in the nuts. I guess that's the thing, when you wrestle, it's a struggle and you can get hurt; but you experience the living God who wants more for your life.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Engage and wrestle with God and people. What do I have to lose? I'm not living for anything important right now...and if I die, at least I can say that I tried.