Well, I'm ill. I spent most of yesterday sleeping on the couch and most of last night in and out of consciousness. I'm feeling a little better today, but I'm glad that I didn't go into work today as I felt bad around noon time.

I'm not sure if I can make into work tomorrow, but we'll see. Hopefully I can as I need to make some money to live on.

I guess I'm lucky that I'm living with my parents. I don't have to pay rent or pay for food. I guess with my job, I won't be moving out anytime soon or independent anytime soon...man...it makes me think that I need to find something better.

My dad said something, "I should have made you all go into Engineering, because the two Engineers in our family are the only ones who don't have money problems." Well, he's right.

Anyway, I'm thinking of taking the level 3 Japanese language proficiency test. I don't think that I'll be able to pass level 2 this year. We'll see...

I took level 2 two times before and failed both times. What I should have done is take level 3 two years back...oh man...

There are so many people that speak Japanese fluently and I'm not in that level yet. Maybe I should give up and find something else...

I'm doing nothing related to Japanese and I don't see myself getting any better anytime soon. Do people learn Japanese from a book usually? Or from actually hearing it? I guess I need to pick up my anime once again...and manga too.

Man, I'm pretty tired. Yesterday was basketball practice...I still feel it today. It shows me that I need to get in shape if I want to play well.

Anyway, made it to church today...so that was good. I didn't really make it for worship though... so I'll try to do better next week.

Been awhile since I last updated, but I think that I'm stuck in the same place I was about 2 years ago. Anyway, I know that I can get to a higher place if I work at it.

What I'm talking about is where I'm going in life. It seems like I don't want to put in the work to achieve a higher success, but then again, who will trust me with anything if I'm not faithful in a little job, even just helping out around the house...I guess that's why people don't have very much confidence in my abilities, and why I also doubt myself too.

I guess there's only one way out...dig up and work my way out of this hole.

Well...what I've been learning from bible study though...has been that I need to seek out God first and direction from Him if I am to do something worthwhile. Dying to myself daily and living for God each day...whatever that means...I don't think I understand that right now.

Anyway, I have a long way to go...and I don't think that I've made any progress. It's so easy to just sit back and relax and do nothing to improve my life. Well...if I really want to do it, then I'll do it. But if I don't want to improve, then I guess I won't.

I wonder though...maybe it's like school in some sense. You improve gradually over a long period of time...making little successes everyday and eventually that will translate into a lot of growth. What comes to mind is, "God is not mocked! A man reaps what he sows."

Anyway...why I was thinking all of this recently was that I was listening to NPR this afternoon and the show "this American life" had a story of this one woman who did a biography of her father on this show...it showed me that this father of theirs was a horrible father and just couldn't achieve success in anything in his life. Everything he did was because of the essence of who he was and he really messed up his life and his children's lives as well. I kept on thinking about this show and was thinking that I could possibly be like this guy not in terms of the horrible things he did, but in terms of not achieving any success. He is a person who should not have gotten married, mainly that he just couldn't raise a family and he just didn't have the right attitude and maturity I guess.

Why I wrote all that about this guy was that it showed me what I don't want to become. He was basically a guy who preached about Christ, but didn't know Him or understand Him. When I think about what's important in this life, I think about God and what He cares about...

Am I living for Him? Not exactly, I feel that I'm living for myself right now.

Anyway, something that one of my friends said that a person at his church said was that, "it's not a matter of asking if God is on our side or not, but if we are on God's side." I really don't know too much about what God is for, only that He sees the oppressed and broken and wants to reach out to them...not sure how though...and I'm not sure if that's what I'll do or am capable of doing.

I don't know...I don't know where I'm going with this, but as I'm writing this, I keep on thinking that I need to live for God and turn away from materialism...which will be a big struggle...and to put Him first. Anyway...easier said than done...

Heavy topic today...but yeah, I don't think that anything is going to happen anytime soon though. I'm not called to vocational ministry, but I should at least try to reach out to people at work.

I guess I have been misunderstanding things as I'm reminded of Matthew 7:12, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you." Lately, I've been thinking about how other people treat me and the relationships whether good or bad I have with other people. And I'm reminded that God loves all people and that everyone is special. It's not necessarily a big thing if people treat me bad, because that's not on my head...I can say something, but I can't change people. The only thing that I can do is change how I treat them. That's not my idea...

My parents told me of Jack Nickalus (spelling?) the famous golfer. He basically said something that still sticks with me today. He basically said something like this...don't quote me exactly on this...as I'm just hearing this secondhand. He said, "I can't help what other people think. I can't do anything to change their minds. I can only help what I think."

I don't know what specific question he was asked, but what he said is true to me today...even though I'm not that great of a person, I can't help what other people of me. I can only help what I think of me. How this all relates comes back down to treat people the same way you want them to treat you. Jesus doesn't say to treat people that same way they treat you, but to treat them how you WANT them to treat you.

Man, why is that I forgot so much in this past year? I guess if read the Bible and thought about it more and applied it to my life, then I would probably be better off. And if I made it to church and tried to live how Jesus lived on Sunday and carried that over to the workplace, then I also would be better off. Well...whatever...I gotta go.

Made it...sort of...

Today I made it to church...only that I got there when service ended. I however did make it to Sunday school, so that was a plus.

The Sunday school class that I'm going to is about Luke and Acts...only that the version of these books is "The cotton patch gospels," by Clarence Jordan.

As the teacher was outlining the class today, he mentioned that there is a lot of humor in the gospels that we don't pick up nowadays. The translations today was very formal and sometimes things are lost in the translation. The cotton patch gospels translate the gospels in terms of the not so far past in America. It's basically a word for word translation, only that it changes Jerusalem to Atlanta, and a lot of the geography to Georgia.

Basically, there is a lot of racial tension in the south and the Bible has lots of that racial tension that we don't really think about that was true back then that is true today. I'm really looking forward to seeing the gospels in terms of something that I can relate to. Man, I'll write more when I read more.

Basically, the class is going to read 3 chapters per week and write key verses that we find in there that really speak about what the whole book is about.

Another plus is, I got my perspectives books back that I lent to someone at church. Yes! I can now indulge in reading instead of video games! Hmm...funny how just actually making it to church, even though I missed the whole service, can really have an impact on what you do. Well, we'll see what happens this week if I live it out.

Basketball...

Last week, I practiced basketball for the first time in awhile. I'm really out of shape and I can see myself really dying this first game tomorrow. We practiced again today and I still felt really out of it. I know that unless I get in shape, I'm going to be the weak link on the team for quite awhile.

After basketball practice we ate and talked. One thing that I never really did as I was growing up was talk at the table. We basically just watched TV and the news at that time. Every time I talked, I was told to be a little quieter, mainly because my dad wanted to watch the news and this was his way of relaxing after working from 7 to 5. Well...he left around 7, so maybe 8 to 5? I don't know...but yeah, I do feel like if I ever have kids, I want to talk to them at the table when they're young and get them in the habit of making conversation...something a little different from how I grew up. I can see myself being much quieter in the future.

Anyway, back to today...I'm feeling good actually...after exercising for a little bit. I think that it's good that I get out and do that consistently as I've become really round in the belly.

Anyway, last night was a gathering for post college and career singles. I really didn't want to go. And even after my friend's convinced me to go, I really didn't want to be there. I didn't initiate conversation and I was a little antisocial. When it got dark and cold, I left with my friends who went. I'm kind of wondering...will I ever get married to anybody? Me being like I am now, will I ever make a connection with any woman? I don't know...but we'll see.

Anyway...as I was driving home today from basketball practice, I listened to NPR and heard some stuff on there. Interesting bit too. Apparently it was about this American soldier and an Iraqi translator or something like that. A reporter was there taping the conversation and basically it was just their normal day to day stuff that they did. At one point there was jokes being told about Iraqis. I personally took offense to that...but as the reporter interviewed the translator the translator did not. He knew the guy that was saying those jokes and he knew that that wasn't the real him.

How he explained it was that in their private conversations, they had some meaningful conversations and developed a friendship. He knew that the soldier was blowing off steam.

When the reporter interviewed the solider, he basically looked at the tape and he was ashamed of it, but he said something that kind of stuck with me today. I'll try to paraphrase it, but he said that he doesn't believe what he said personally and he feels ashamed of that when looking back on it. But he said that in war, everything that you believed and what you stand for can be changed. People are trying to kill you and it brings out the bad parts of you. He said that that wasn't the worst of him. Back home he wouldn't say those things about other people...

Anyway, what stuck out of me was that something that I was told came true when hearing it from someone who has experienced war. "War brings out the worst in people."

Back home, the soldier and the translator brought those tapes to a Muslim organization and as the reporter said, "everything in his senses that is telling him to run away and not face the hatred that he was expecting to receive, he overcame his fears and anger and brought those tapes to the people there." They accepted him and I think that there was some healing in the soldier. His friend, the translator, who was with him vouched for him.

Right now, they both are going to college in the United States.

I was thinking...wow, people can be decent if you give them a chance. And when you try to understand them and there is a connection and friendship, it can lead to healing.

I just found it on the www.npr.org website.

Apparently it's on the program "This American Life" and can be found on www.thislife.org

It ran today, September 8th, 2007. If you can wait, you can probably listen to it for free next week by downloading the MP3 or maybe next month, you can download it. They do have a 30 second promo though which is for free.

How they described it was, an Iraq war vet joins the Muslim student association to overcome his anger towards Muslims.

Anyway, go to www.thislife.org and look for the title, "The Devil in me" (September 8th, 2007)