Friday, September 30, 2005

I'm finding that I'm having to relearn to some things. Where I was once before, I've backtracked. I'd say however, that these things that are happening are good things. If I never experienced these things, then I'd say that I'd never grow.

I really need to make some changes in my own life, and to really let things be, even if they don't turn out the way that I want them to. I'm learning how to do that now and I think that I'm making some progress, but we'll see where I end up in about a year or so.

Anyway, God is good. Despite all the bad things that happened to me recently, I'd say that they aren't such a big deal and that these are necessary for my growth. I'm still learning how to handle these things, but really, they are quite small in retrospect. I just tend to make them into a big deal or bad situation.

Letting things go. Not dwelling on the past, living in the present and building a future. One of my friends posted something that was quite good. He's reading this book by Geoffrey Canada called, "Reaching up for Manhood: Transforming the Lives of Boys in America." You can find his post here

Monday, September 26, 2005

Sometimes I'd rather not blog. I don't know most of you, and most of you don't know me. Nothing is built because of this blog, and I'd rather not build things with people because of this blog.

Telling the whole world something just doesn't seem like a good thing. Especially if you don't think about what you're writing.

Anyway, I'm going to be blogging less and writing more in my own journal. This blog has not helped me very much in reflecting and writing what's on my heart. The reason being that it's public and people could get insulted or hurt because of the things going on inside. Not saying that I have anything against anyone for any reason, but saying that words can hurt others in ways that the person saying them may not see.

Plus, I really don't know how people will interpret what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm not very clear because I'm just writing. But words can be twisted and people may misunderstand the true intent of what I was trying to say. Sometimes I don't mean for people to understand what I'm writing because I started this blog mainly for me.

But, really, I don't think that this blog has helped me. Anyway, that's it for now.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Last night at fellowship, I realized that I need to spend more time with God. I've been playing a lot of video games lately, and it has taken up a lot of my time.

Plus, I've been sleeping a lot too. I think that can be attributed to some weight gain and less exercise along with junk food. I think that this is the first time that I've been overweight. Got to do some push ups every night and run on the weekdays and limit those junks.

Must make small steps right now and get farther along the road.

Today was good. I made some good choices, but we'll see how I fare in the days to come.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

All I want to say is that I'm feeling either caffiene withdrawal, or sick right now. I'm guessing it's caffiene withdrawal. Hmm...maybe this is a sign that I should quit while I'm not that addicted yet.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

All I want say now is, I have more respect for my teachers who put up with me and my classmates. I also have respect for the planning and how well most of them carried them out. It's not easy to teach someone something. Especially if you've never had any training in it. But I think that for the most part, I just need to be clear, direct, and to keep things simple.

Part of me thinks that I'm trying too hard and not getting enough done. But who knows, we'll see what will happen when I go to the interview.

I'm having second thoughts about going to Japan. I've been wishy-washy for a long time about this. I know very little about this company and I know little about Japan. But I think that if I am accepted to go, then I'll take it to see what things are like over there. If not, then it's no big deal. The interview was just practice. I'll accept it as something that I shouldn't do right now if other places reject me. Maybe I'm not ready.

Anyway, the interview is going to last quite awhile and I'm not sure how well I'm going to take it. But whatever happens, life goes on and it's not the end of the world. As long as I'm still living, I can make changes.

Then I think...do I really want to make those changes? I don't know anymore, and I'm tired of saying things. I have things that I need to deal with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers to those questions. But I've got to keep walking forward. If we meet paths again, then I've got to decide what I'm going to do and do it. Right now, I'm still trying to work on things in my own life.

Maybe I need to retrace my steps...the world is not against me. If things are going wrong in a lot of things, then maybe I need to look at myself and see if I'm the problem. I think that yeah, there are some things that I need to fix. But sometimes, I wonder if it's better if I'm not involved. Maybe for now, it's better that I'm not as involved, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I mean, I can't recover if I don't pick myself up and try again...

I've been trying...more like I've been going through the motions. But really, I need to try some more...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

So...what am I supposed to do when I find them?

Overall, the past two days have been really good. I must say that doing social activities helps me to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more human instead of feeling like an angry robot. It helped my mood at work. However, I must say that being tired didn't help how well I worked...but I'd say that feeling human is more important than one day of work. But I can't keep doing bad jobs, or else I'll get fired soon.

Today was pretty interesting at work though...My unloader told me to get my supervisor. I thought...great...my unloader must be feeling really bad. (He has been ill for sometime.) So I called the supervisor. He comes down from the catwalk and sees my unloader. Some exciting converstaion went on in there and I hear him say into the radio, "Crickets on the belt...Crickets on the belt."

I look inside the trailer and see that they're wiping crickets off of the boxes. He then said into the radio, "if any of you find a open cricket box give it to (This lady who's young and pretty) to deal with...(I won't name her)."

I ask him, "What are we supposed to do when we find these crickets?" He replied, "You let them go FREE!!! They were going to be some lizard's lunch, so now they're FREE!" (Emphasis his.) I see some crickets jump off of a box and land on the conveyor belt...only to get smashed by another box in the intersection. A few seconds later I thought that I heard a yelp from one of the guys on the sort aisle.

Oh what a cruel cruel world that we live in.

Okay enough silliness.

I must say that it is pretty interesting to work where I work sometimes. The people are all around my age, except for the managers and for some people who have worked there for awhile. Probably most of the people there are doing this job and another job, or wanting to be promoted when they've spent enoguh time in the system. It's not a bad place to work, but I don't think that I'd recommend this place, because you don't make that much money and it takes a long time to get promoted. When you get promoted, then you make money. But mostly, people use this place as a job for the summer or as a part time job during school.

I think that it has helped me to find at least some purpose in life. Earning a paycheck isn't the greatest thing in the world, but it does feel like I've done something with my time. I mean, I can't eat unless I work, right? Well, I don't know what I want to do. But today was a good day and good enough to distract me from the realities of the harshness of life.

However, I'd say that probably most others have it tougher than me.

I think about where I'm going in life. No direction....as of right now. The interview for teaching in Japan is around the corner and I'm not sure what to teach in the interview. I'm not even sure if going to Japan will be a good thing for me. But no point worrying...I want to do this and see what will happen. "Want" to do this...yeah right...I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'm still a kid sometimes. Not sure where I'm going...not sure what I want...not sure why I'm here. But there's nothing to do but live...participate, and try to make things better. What would I do if I found my purpose in life? What would I do if I found direction? What would I do if I found them? Let them run free in my life? haha I know they're inside somewhere. Maybe they'd be smashed like the cricket when it hits a turn. That's always a possiblity. But there are more than one so that some will run free. (Okay, I'm really weird today.) I'd say that it probably best that I don't know right now.

Monday, September 12, 2005

I'm a loner at heart

One person wrote that, "if you think you can't live without relationships (ie friendships or at least talking to other people,) then it's like saying that you can live without food or water." (paraphrased by me. from Les and Leslie Parrot's book Relationships)

My whole life, I've been a loner. I can say that growing up, I didn't really know how to relate to people. I didn't learn how to talk to others, because it wasn't the most important thing to me. When I tried to communicate, my family would get kind of frustrated at how random I was. I'm still like that today, as you probably know from reading my blog. But I've learned how to communicate a little better since I went to college. Communication is still something relatively new to me and I'm still struggling to get it out of my mouth.

People really don't get to know who I am, because I have trouble expressing myself. Sometimes people don't want to talk to me, because of my lack of people skills. I mean, how would you feel if you were talking to someone who is an adult, but has trouble talking? Or, who doesn't exactly see what he/she is saying until the person reacts in a certain way?

I'm not saying that that happens all the time with me. But it tends to be like that with people who I just meet. Really, my socialization skills have taken a turn for the worse since I left the dorms.

Practice makes perfect

Well, no sense complaining about it. A farmer once told me that "everything is hard. Nothing is easy." I didn't believe him at first, but later on I saw that that's probably true. Everything is hard because it takes some degree of skill to learn and some people are better at some things than others. Learning is never easy, but once you get going, then it will become easier as you gain experience.

That phrase, "everything is hard, nothing is easy" seems unrealistic to me but life is hard. Not many people will be good at something when they first start it. Sometimes people who are good something when they first try to do something have experience in something similiar. People who surf are likely to be good at snowboarding. People who play piano, will likely find playing another instrument not as hard because of the experience of playing music.

I may have some flaws in my argument, but one thing is clear. Nobody starts out being perfect. We may have some strengths that we don't know about, but if it isn't developed by the person who has it, then it will never get any better. Even people who aren't good at something at first, can become really good if they work on it and direct themselves towards goals that they've moving towards.

One thing that music has taught me is that you can't play a very hard piece well if you don't practice it over and over. Practice helps. Just like shooting a basketball from the freethrow line over and over again will more likely help you to make the freethrow later on in the game.

I've thought about this over and over, and yet, getting started is one of the hardest things for me.

Getting back to relationships...I guess if I don't go out there and at least try to relate to others, regardless of how they react, then I'll never learn how to relate to others.

Sometimes bouncing back is more important than how well you do the first time, or the second time. Retrying things and improving is necessary to becoming more successful at something you realy want to do. Trial and error...heh. I guess that's one great thing about life. It doesn't end when you fail. And you can learn and succeed if you keep trying. Not saying that you will, because sometimes you need to look at things about you and what you're good at. But saying that anybody can become really good at something.

Note, it always helps to start early when you're trying to develop skills. Musical instruments, reading, another language, whatever are all best learned now. Later, it becomes harder...

Anyway, with all that said, I still feel like I just want to play video games...heh. I guess I am a loner at heart. If I really want to be happy though, I'm going to need to work on some relational things in myself.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I signed up for the interview, and now I need to prepare for it. If things work out, I'll be going to Japan. But I'm not sure what God wants me to do. I guess I need to pray some more. Who knows, I might not even be accepted to go. If that happens, then I'll just keep working where I'm at now and work on my Japanese. Who knows what the future will bring. All I have to do is keep working and looking for opportunities.

I just know that I need to prepare for what I want to do in the future. It may never come true...but if I don't do anything to prepare for it, then it will definitely never come. Sometimes you get a chance to do something that you want to do. But, if you aren't prepared for it, or you never take the chance to go for it, then you'll never get it.

It kind of makes me wonder...about my own life in the past. If I never took any chances, then I would not have experienced so many good things. When I stopped taking chances, then I experienced a lot less. Less pain, along with less joy. The pain that I feel now seems to grow as I stop taking chances.

It's easy to say something...but it's another thing to do it. I feel like I just want to give up from time to time, but I know that I have to keep walking forward.

I try to be optimistic...but lately, I've been really pesimistic. I can see why too. heh. Anyway, no sense complaining about things anymore. Got to keep on moving forward.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Something inside of me tells me that I'm not any different from the people at my workplace. Maybe I've lost my identity. Maybe I never really had a strong identity in the first place. All I know is that if you don't stand firm, then you'll fall.

Anyway, I think that I have some changes that I need to make. It kind of makes me wonder if I go to Japan, will the system beat me down so that I'm like everyone else? Or will I take a stand and be known as a gaijin? Or an outcast. I really don't know what will happen to me if I go to Japan, but I know that it's much harder to be a Christian in Japan and other places where they're persecuted.

Already, I've made some choices. What Paul said is true. "God cannot be mocked! A man reaps what he sows." Meaning, if you choose bad things, then you'll receive the consequences of those bad things later on. If you choose good things, then you'll receive the good things later on. I'm not talking about the next life. I'm talking about people's lives in general and what they plan for the future. An explanation is seen in this. If you plant seeds, they'll grow into a plant. Depending on what seeds you plant, they'll grow into their respective plants.

Anyway, I might not be making too much sense, but really, that's one truth that I take from the Bible. It's found in the book of Galatians. Galatians 6:7. You can find the whole chapter here. Anyway, I've written this time and time again, and it seems like there's no progress.

I think that I have no commitment to anything right now. I'm just drifting. Of course I still believe in Christ. But then again, how committed am I? I don't think that my life reflects Jesus. I think that I have to get back to what's important again.

[edit] Okay, what I wrote above kind of seems like Karma. I didn't mean Karma. I meant that if you choose good things in your life, then your character or things about you will grow in that way. If you choose sin in your life, then you'll also grow in that way too. Anyway, I don't understand everything there is in the bible, but I do know that every choice has consequences. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. But it will change you in some way.

Anyway...yeah...

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I just played Lords of the Realm III for about 2-3 hours. I'm still on the first mission. I finished the tutorial and have learned the basics of how to siege a castle and some tactics of changing formation in combat.

Each Knight has a their own garrison that they're in charge of. Instead of controlling individual troops, you control a unit of troops depending where your knight is. Usually, they're divided into 20-30 troops per unit, unless some get destroyed in the battle. In that case, you'll have to get back to your own land to replenish and retrain troops. Usually one knight in charge of one piece of land and trains units into what he knows how to make them into. Usually one class. So unless you combine forces with another knight, you probably won't have one knight controlling more than one type of attacker.

Classes range from Calvalry, footmen, swordsmen, warriors, pikemen, archers, crossbowmen, different types of siege equipment attackers, along with the leader of each group.

It's a pretty interesting game, but the main point of the game is to follow history and take over Ireland, or England, and some other countries. You also have to feed your armies, so you need to have serfs on some lands. If you want to hire other mercenaries, you'll need a city that they can visit.

Anyway, I'm going to play this some more when I get home, and hopefully, I'll beat it. But yeah, it's a pretty interesting game. It also goes down to a political level, but it's pretty basic. Declare war, offer peace, give a gift of money, offer an alliance, break alliance, etc. One thing that lacks in the this game is pictures of the other leaders that you're dealing with. All you get is text messages. I guess in a game that doesn't stop, it would kind of be annoying to get a picture of someone else blocking your view while you're trying to siege a castle. Getting hot oil poured on you because you're not paying attention tends to cause frustration when your unit dies.

Anyway, this is a game for people who like games like Warcraft, but aren't that good at them. Lords of the Realm III isn't an easy game, because it does require strategy and multi-tasking. But it is definitely a lot easier than Warcraft.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Horrible...but still not that bad

Man, I had a really bad day today. Just things building up kind of exploded. Not necessarily things from work, but that was just the last straw that let everything go sour.

Anyway, even though I had a bad day, there are so many others who have things worse. Feeling bad is one thing, but actually experiencing bad things is another. All the people homeless from Hurricane Katrina really need some help. Right now, the things bothering me are small compared to what's bothering people who might not have enough food to eat.

Anyway, in regards to the things that happened to me, they are really not that big. In regards to the other things that are bothering also, they are not that big compared to someone who might be living in a war zone.

Anyway, I guess I should count myself lucky that I'm not any more worse off. I actually have things pretty good, if I look at it with the right attitude.

One thing that struck me from last Sunday's message was that the speaker was talking about a group of Pastors who went from North America to Central America. They met with pastors in Central America and did ministry...I think...When it came down to prayer requests, the Central American pastors all had ministry prayer requests and no personal prayer requests.

That struck one of the North American pastors. He mentioned that the people down here have experienced the bitterness of life and yet they know what's really important.

One of the main points from the message was, "Are we acting like Citizens of the Kingdom of God, or are we just there soaking up what we can?" In retrospect of my past few years, I feel that I've been just watching, not participating. I've said that many times, and I feel like when the rubber hits the road, that I'm not doing what I should. At work, I feel like I'm just there doing my job, not doing anything important.

Maybe I just don't care anymore. Maybe I don't...I have wounds still, and I guess I need to heal them. Move on, or sit there...two choices. Well, with all the things in my life that suck, they're really small. I guess I just have to keep walking.