Staying at home

I decided not to help out at a camp that I helped out at last year. It was a great experience, and I wanted to go back, but I really felt that I was not in the best spiritual health to serve. I can attribute that to my laziness in doing devotions. Plus, I felt that God didn't want me to serve even though I wanted to.

I served last year, because I felt that I should take a step of faith and try to do something to serve others. I still have flaws and I remember one incident where I told a kid to be quiet...it kind of reminded me of when my brother would tell me to shut up. Anyway, the other kids couldn't work because of all the noise, so I told him that he needed to be quiet. I hope that I didn't scar him in any way. Because I know that I became a quiet kid because of all the people telling me to be quiet. ugh...

Well, my friends are helping out at a camp now, and I'm thinking...I could have helped out...but right now, I don't feel like I want to serve when I myself am struggling.

In other news, my nephew is visiting us with my sister and brother in law. My nephew seems like he's going to be a great guy when he grows up. But, for my sister and brother in law, it seems like they're really tired. I wonder if I'll ever had kids someday. I wonder if I'll be as good of a parent as they both are.

Work...

People are quitting this job. For some reason, there's always someone ill. heh. Anyway, it's not necessarily the best place to work at, but it's a job, and it's decent work. I'm wondering when I'll leave. I'm kind of tired of waking up at odd hours, but I know that this job is better than not having a job.

I hope to go to Japan soon...maybe next year. I'm going to apply to different programs...I think that I need to pray about direction. Japan...it is such a great place, but it has problems like everywhere else.

No place is perfect, regardless of the good things about it. I guess that's one reason why we say that we live in a fallen world. Actually, we say that we live in a fallen world because of another reason, but I won't get into that. But yeah, the evidence is clear, we do live in a fallen world. Bad things can happen to anyone.

Right now, I'm not sure why I decided to go to Japan, but I really think that I need to experience some growth in my life and to learn how to adapt to a new culture. Japan helped me in so many ways before. It's kind of strange how things fit together...but I know that it's because my brother and others were praying for me. Because of good choices that I made, things worked out a lot better. Really, what you choose to do will make a difference in your life. Even though it may not be apparent at the time.

Now that I'm further along the road, I see the mistakes and good choices that I made. I would definitely change some things that I did in the past. I guess, there's no changing the past, but only changing right now.

I really wonder where I'll be next year...but I know that I have choices to make with my life day to day, minute by minute.

I guess I'm thankful that I'm still alive. If I were dead, then I couldn't do anything anymore.

New sleeping schedule

I'm trying out a new sleeping schedule because I'm finding that I'm not doing so well on the weekends when I switch from a 5pm-2am sleeping schedule to a 10am-6pm sleep, and then back to the former on Sunday.

Anyway, we'll see how things go from now on. I woke up about an hour ago and I feel kind of tired, but no more tired than I used to feel when I would come back from work.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll feel much better not having to switch my sleeping schedule every 5 days. The only hard part comes when church is going. That's when I should be sleeping. I guess in the end, it matters more to go to church than it does to maintain a consistent sleeping schedule, but I'm thinking...maybe I need a new job.

No sense complaining. I'm lucky to even have a job that will help me out. Who knows where I'll be later on because of this job. Hopefully, it will help me to get a better job and not something else that I won't like. But I'm thinking that it will help me to get a better job.

Really, I'm tired right now. I usually go to sleep at this time...maybe I'll go to sleep...

Sometimes I don't know why I'm here. But that's the thing...I'll never know...

I've gone through a lot in life. Most of it has been inside my own world. I know that I haven't actually gotten past all of my past, but I know that I did receive help, and I was helped to help myself. I am feeling like I can stand on my own two legs now...just barely. I think that I need to exercise them more and to get stronger.

I don't know why I'm here...but life is more enjoyable when I see others experience good things. I wonder where I'll be.

I remember those "create your own story" books, where you'd have a choice of what to do in a situation and then turn to the page where you'll see the result. Kind of like a video game in a sense, however, I didn't like how I never got too far in those books. heh. I kind of thought that they were stupid. But I guess the reason why I thought that was that you didn't have that much control over the result. In a video game, you have lots of control. It's like you're a god. But you do restrictions.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing this. It's Friday, and I'm thinking...I need to make my life better somehow. I guess growth never comes overnight, but over many days and years...Giants...I wonder...

Okay...I like to ponder things...

I'm finding that I shouldn't be spending so much money when I'm not living on my own. Really, if I want to get my plans done, then I should save my money and stop trying to buy everything that I want.

I was going to buy a lot of anime, when I realized that I have a lot of video games that I haven't played yet. I also thought that it's not right for me to buy all these things when I'm living with my parents. Really, they're doing me a favor by letting me stay with them. I could be struggling to pay the rent in an apartment and struggling to find food to eat, but they have graciously provided all this for me.

Even if I do get a little angry at them from time to time, I know that I'm supposed to honor them. Honor your father and mother. I know that my parents don't intend to make me angry. They love me. I'm really lucky that they do. They could have thrown me out a long time ago, but they still tolerate me. heh.

One thing that's been going on is that I'm seeing that I need to learn how to be responsible with my life. I can't be doing what's fun all the time, because I really need to plan ahead for my future. But, I can't always be doing stuff for my future either. If there's no social activity, then there's no life.

Anyway, I don't know what to say, but I really need to make something out of my life and make my life worth the efforts that many people have put into it. No man is an island. We all have been helped at one point or another. Maybe in school by the teachers, or parents, or brothers, or sisters, or friends, or relatives. I really want to do something worth while with my life.

I'm finding that at work, things are getting better. I think that the problems that I've been facing were not really that big, and they've become less than what they used to be. The work enviroment is getting more friendlier, and I'm learning how to not take things so personally. Really, people don't really know me all that well. And, I don't know them all that well. I guess I could make some more efforts, but I think that it also takes time and a good attitude.

Really, I am thankful that things are working out better. God is good.

Sometimes it's not like that...

I've been thinking that sometimes things aren't always as they seem. Sometimes when you think one thing, it's really not that at all. Sometimes when you think someone has something against you, they don't. I've been thinking that things have been getting better in my life, because I've come to see that really, people don't have things against me. And if they do, I shouldn't worry about it, because they haven't told me. Just got to do what I know is right.

A lot of talk, but no action

I'm thinking that I need to do more action in my life instead of write about it. heh. Anyway, I see that I might be heading in a different direction sooner or later. As long as I focus on what I need to do, I'll be prepared for the day when it comes...correction...IF it comes.

The day when my dream becomes a reality will never happen unless I make it happen. I'm not talking about going out there and forcing things to happen. That's not what I mean...I mean, sometimes you get a chance in life to do something great. However, if you're not prepared to do it, then someone else will take the place that you could have been in. You might not even be considered if you don't have what it takes when the day comes.

Anyway, I have a long way to go in many areas of my life. And I have a lot of work to do. Excuse me while I stop wasting time today and focus for what little time I have left. Man, I really need to make better habits of getting things done. Also, relating to people...

After another day of work, I'm thinking that I could do some things better. Oh well...participate in life, don't watch it go by. Most of the time, I'm just watching. There are times to watch, and times to participate. Sometimes it's better if you leave too. Yeah, butting into someone else's work or conversation can be bad...but it's not always...

The one person that I can always rely on has been God. He may not give me what I want, but He at least brings some clarity where there is confusion. And trust me, I really don’t understand relationships all that well. But, I’m still learning.

Anyway, one life to live. One life to give.

Makes me wonder where I’d be after college if I didn’t go to AACF. Well…nothing to do but to pick myself up and try again. Sometimes a game plan will work, and sometimes it won’t. But it’s always good to look back and see what we’ve done wrong and try to do it differently when it comes back again.

Makes me wonder…where am I headed to? Where will I be in 1 year?

Translating...

I finished with my translating for the Nintendo DS game. I don't know which game it is, but all I can say is that some parts of the text were kind of weird.

Comparing my translation with the feedback given by the guy who's checking everything, my translation was more literal and didn't fit into American culture as well. I didn't take into account that people just don't understand some cultural things and I focused on what I thought was important instead of what sounded better.

From the classes that I took, my teacher wanted us to get things literal, but at least sounding like they flow. In this game, however, it was more important to get things as close as possible, but to make it fit with how a person would regularly talk in English.

It was a good experience though. I learned that you need to adjust how you write for the audience that you're talking to, in this case, English speakers who probably have no idea how Japanese is spoken. Anyway, I think that I did an okay job. I messed up on a lot of the last text that I did. With more experience, I'm sure that I'll become better. I guess the only thing to do now, is to keep working on my skiils. I don't think that this guy will work with me again though. Oh well...this was my second translating job. The first was volunteer work. I guess I've got to do this on my own for a long long time...

I've been thinking...

that really I shouldn't post such personal info on my blog. Can a person actually build a relationship with someone else on a blog? I don't think so. Can people keep in touch through a blog? I really don't think that that does anything other than inform others about what's going on. Can you change other people through your thoughts? Maybe...but really, sometimes the people who write on blogs are just blogging their emotions or thoughts and not facts. It may not create a positive outcome.

With that going through my mind, I've decided not to post so often about my own life. This blog is going to get less love from me. Why write stuff that anybody can read? Why let other people see who I am when people probably just don't care. I'd rather be a nameless person instead of a person whom people think that they know.

I do not think that this blog has done anybody any good. It may have entertained people with the events of my life, or entertained people with the stupid things that I say or do, but really, I don't believe that this blog is doing anybody any good. Especially me.

With the time that I could have spent doing other things to improve my life, I have blogged and spent a good amount of hours that I could have spent elsewhere. One movie that comes to mind is "American History X".

Edward Furlong played a racist character from what he learned from his brother played my Edward Norton. Edward Norton changed from being racist to being against the racism that he promoted at one time. Anyway, the quote, "What have you done to make your life better?" From the principal to Edward Norton, really makes me think, why am I blogging at all?

I have complained, I have expressed my anger, I have even tried to show what I believe to no avail in making my life better. Writing it down is one thing, but actually doing something to grow is another.

With that said, no more personal stuff about me in this blog. I don't think that this blog has helped me to grow, and I know that growth comes in the real world, not in cyberspace.

Anyway, my life is now private.

No sense blogging right now. Must do something productive with my life.

Why post...nothing's happening anyways. While that's not true in the world, it certainly is in my life.

Realization...

When you know who you are, then it doesn't matter what other people say. All I can say is that I'm thankful...

Thinking...

Have you ever had an adversary? Have you ever had someone who tries to put you down? I'm sure that probably most everyone has. Probably everyone has been bullied at one time or another.

I ask myself, what am I supposed to do? One guy is saying stuff to me at work and I wonder, should I keep on ignoring him? Or should I say something back?

I think that the best thing to do is to talk to the guy and find out why he's calling me these things. Really, he has the problems, not me.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That is so untrue. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but your bones will heal. Words can stay with you until you die.

Anyway, I'm handling it okay. I have counter what he says and not believe the things that he's saying. But I think that I have got to make my stand sometime.

Really, he's harassing me, and I could get him fired for that. But really, I'd rather not. Maybe it's that I don't want him to be out of a job. But then again, I probably won't stay here for too long. So I won't see him again afterwards, unless I run into him by some chance.

My thinking is that he's trying to get me to say something back, so that someone else will hear and I'll be fired. But then again, maybe I'm giving him too much credit. He could be just saying that, because it makes him feel good.

Anyway, Jesus talked about how God shows no partiality to anyone. He's good to both the evil and the good. Both to the unrighteous and the unrighteous. He loves everyone, regardless of their sin. Matthew 5:43-48. Loving your enemy seems unreasonable, but then again, Jesus died for those who killed him, and He lives today for us. To help one another to come to know God and live righteous lives helping others. If God can love someone who's really horrible, then how much more should we try to do the same?

I think about my own life and how I was doing some things that were wrong. Yet there were some people who helped me to lead a better life than those wrong deeds. I am much happier now, not because of a better life though...

Anyway, "pray for those who persecute you, so that they may be sons of your father in heaven. For he causes his sun to rise on the righteous and the unrighteous, and sends forth rain on the evil and good."

Anyway, I'm NOT saying "take whatever crap that people throw at you." That's not right. But what I've learned is that we're supposed to show them that it's wrong. Maybe I should bring this up to the manager. But there's better ways than that...not saying that I'm going to take this crap. But what I'm saying is, there are better ways of doing things.

Yeah, staying up late while drinking lots of caffiene is never a good idea...must remember this the next time I think that I can pull another all nighter. Time to go to sleep...

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. Maybe I'm egotistic, thinking about myself all the time. But I usually don't think of all the good things that I've done. Usually it's about all the bad things that have happened to me and that I've done. To a lot of people, these would be small things, but to me, during that time, they were huge.

During that time of my life, lets say about 10-13 years ago, I really didn't enjoy life. I really wanted to get away from everything. I wanted to give up, and I did for awhile.

I look at my life now, and I've come a long way since then. I've reached some of my goals in life, but there's still a lot of room for improvement. I'm not satisfied with the way things are right now. But I should be happy that I'm still alive and that I am where I am.

Being reminded of the past doesn't seem to help me, but I keep thinking about it from time to time. New things come up and it just seems like I'm back where I started.

Anyway, one thing that I know is that I didn't get here on my own. It took a lot of help. I was helped a lot by others. All the time that I felt alone, God was helping me. The help came in ways I didn't expect them. I don't expect help this time, that's not what I'm after. I can help myself now and receive help from certain people, but really, the one that is truly helping me is God.

Anyway, I feel like giving up from time to time, but I know that you can't give up on everything. Some things are okay to give up on. But some things are not.

As of right now, I'm seeing that maybe this job is something that I should give up. Things from the past are coming back in this job, and I'm paying for it. I think also, the environment of this job is not so good either. Well, I guess it was good to start, it will be good to leave.

I just hope that I find a new job with a better environment.

One thing that I was told by someone at the library was that "your worth is not seen in what you do." That person went through a lot of jobs until he found the job that he's currently at and enjoys. He is a really good person and he really is a light at the library. Everyone likes him there and he likes everyone else. I think that that is one of my favorite libraries to go to, except for the books. They're always shelved out of order. But when you do find the books you're looking for, it's really a nice feeling.

Anyway, I know that I can do better than this job. But, I'm glad that I did get this job, because it was a good kick in arse from nobody but myself.

Old memories come back...and I think of this one guy who would say, "I'm going to dominate you!!" There was even a comic strip that one of the other guys made in the class about him. It was art class. Anyway, this job is not going to dominate me, and if I lose it, so be it.

Anyway, I really have come a long way. I can thank God for that. If He hadn't seen worth in me, then nobody else would either. Anyway, I don't mean for you guys to go out there and just dive right into helping people unprepared. Sometimes you can help someone else, but sometimes, there's only so much you can do. If you know Jesus, pray for that person consistently. Even if things get worse, keep praying. Get others to pray with you, get others to pray for the person. The more people praying who care, the better.

For me, things got a lot worse over 3-4 years. But after that, they got a lot better. I can't say that it was just one person that helped me, because there were so many people who made a difference in my life. Everyone played a small part, but some more than others.

Anyway, keep alert, pay attention to things you can pray for and keep your eyes open.

Enough...it's not as easy as it sounds. It's actually pretty hard.

Anyway, I know what's important in my life...even though I can't play a part in it all the time, it will be in my heart. I will not let these things be crushed again. And I will improve. Things will get better. I will not give up this time.

I can't help but wonder what people do when they get fired. Today, one guy was called aside by the head guy of our department. It was in the middle of work, so I have no idea what he wanted with him, but it seemed like he wasn't happy about something.

I can't help but wonder if he got fired for saying something that he shouldn't have said. I think that someone overheard that and probably told the head supervisor, or the head supervisor overheard it.

Something tells me that this place that I'm working at is not a very good place to work at. I guess with jobs that anybody can do, it's not that hard to replace people, despite how long they've been with the company. I'm assuming that this guy has been there for a long time and was earning an okay paycheck, maybe hoping to move into a full time position.

Hmm...I think that I'd better find a new job. I might not have one soon enough.

I guess I'll see if I ever see him again at work...

Hmm...sometimes it's not good to post when things are bothering you. But one thing that helps me to keep on going is that God loves me. As one of my friends posted...if the whole world hates me, I'll know that I'll be welcomed with God.

Next point...community. It's not always a nice thing, depending on how you get along. But it's necessary. People need other people. One thing that you should not do is just be with anybody. When you're needy, then you tend to be with just anybody. That's not good. Don't hang around people who will cause you to do bad things.

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry about what other people think. People have their own ideas when it comes to the unknown. But really, people can think anything, even if it's not true. And I shouldn't let others bring me down.

I guess I need to forgive those who try to hurt me, but not let them get me down. I know myself better than anyone else knows me. The only person who knows me the best is God. He sees everything and knows everything. He knows my heart and my thoughts. Really, these are the things that people can't see.

I have no idea what I'm going to do next. The only thing that I should be doing now is the translation. I've been working on that, but work, besides the translation, has been tiring.

One good thing though has been that I now have some motivation to get out of the workplace that I'm in. Some of the other guys have it rougher than me. But I know that they will do well if they keep working at what they're dreams are.

Dreams sometimes only stay dreams, because we don't make any steps toward making them a reality. But someone that I talked to, (one of my co-workers), is working hard to make something happen in his life.

Anyway, I'm going to get out of there. I've decided that I'm going to get out of there and improve my Japanese, go to Japan, and act like a mature person. heh. Man, I'm older than some of the other guys at work, and they act more mature than me sometimes. heh...I laugh at that. haha.

Anyway, something that keep running through my mind is this quote by someone...(I don't remember his/her name, but it was written on one of the walls on my high school cafeteria.) "If you don't stand for something, you fall for anything."

Really, people don't know who I am, because I've never made that clear. I never really told people what I believe. I never acted like a person from there. I've gone with the flow too long.

Well...do any of you stand for something?

To me, there are some things that I just don't care about. But there are some things that I do care about. And there are some things that I should put less priority on. And others that I should put more priority on.

Well, I wrote this all down, now I need to get on it and start. heh...where will I be in 10 years? I don't even know where I'll be next year. But one thing that I do believe is that regardless of things tha happen to me, I am responsible for myself and the people in my life. I need to make some changes.

Really, the one person that I need to focus on the most is Jesus. What would He do? What does He do? And What will I do?

Weekends...

I heard a good message this past Sunday, but I think that I should not post my thoughts about it, because I could take parts from it, and people would not get the whole impact of the message. I'm still thinking about it and I realize that I need to change my life right now. I want this past Sunday to be more than just a good message. I'm learning more and more...but really, there needs to be change and I need to let truth change me for the better.

Anyway, I'm glad that I went to church, but really, I need to think about this some more.

I've been feeling that I'm not a good example to others. I'm not. I don't conduct myself in a worthy manner. I try to help others, but I find that I tend to do that in the wrong way.

I have work to do in my life. I have lots of work to do.

I guess I need to learn how to treat people better huh.

I can't explain it, but things were better today. I talked with my mom yesterday and she brought in another viewpoint on what was happening. It's always good to have a different perspective on what's going on. Especially a person that is not directly involved and knows me well. She also has a good common sense too.

Anyway, it's not easy to talk to someone who doesn't agree with you, but it helped me to think things over again.

Well, at least work is over for the week. Man, I saw that I didn't get holiday pay. Someone told me that you have to work there a year before you get that. I'm thinking that most people there haven't even worked there one year. I guess that's one incentive to stay there. But I'd rather not stay too long. Oh well, I don't know how long I'm going to be there. But it could be awhile before I plan my escape. heh.

Congrats to the Golden Bear

Jack Nicklaus finished his golf career today, early in the morning at our time, in Scotland. Man, looking at some old videos of his career on the golf channel really shows you how great he was back in his prime. Jack said today that he shot 72, which was the best round he's played all year, and he didn't make the cut. He said that it tells him that it's time to go.

Well, all I want to say is, well done. His career is really something that you don't see that often. I don't know much, but even when I was still a kid, he was still winning tournaments like the Masters (a golf course named the Masters). Age does catch up with everyone. I guess that's part of life. Making way for the new by having the old move on.

Hmm...the battle wages on...

My dad tells me that there is a new format that is going to come on the Market for DVDs. Two parties are fighting over which format to use. Of course they want their own used. One is Sony. The other is Intel. It's supposed to be High definition DVD formats. It won't come out for awhile, just like DVDs didn't come out for awhile even when they had the technology. They had things to work out before they came out with DVDs like Region codes. But it will probably be a long way away before they do come out with High Mat DVDs. So I don't mean to stop you from going out there and using the current technology.

Anyway, it's just like VHS and BETA fighting for which video tape to use. Who knows which one will be used in this DVD things? The cheaper one? Or the better one? I'm guessing that we'll probably get screwed again. Anyway, we'll see who wins. I personally don't know which company has the better technology, but hopefully the better one wins. But I'm guessing that people don't want to pay an arm and a leg for the new technology. Unless they have some cash burning holes in their pockets.

Thinking back

Recent events at my workplace have reminded me of how it was long ago. When I went to college I never thought that life could be so good. But before that was high school and I hated every minute of it. Work reminds me of high school. Some of the guys are probably still in high school or just high school graduates. I can see why some people judge others because of their education, but that still pisses me off when they do. As if an education makes a person better than someone who doesn't have one. Anyway...

Back in high school, I thought that people really didn't like me. There were only a few people who actually talked to me and everyone else seemed wrapped up in their own world. I had my own world of my classes, some 3-4 friends that I ate lunch with, and the rest...strangers who I had class with.

I remember it being much worse in jr. high school. I could call that the "falling down" period of my life. High school, things were starting to look a little better. Heh, you might not know the movie, but Michael Douglas stars in "Falling Down." One word, anger. One sentence, taking out your anger on those who deserve it. I'm just glad that I didn't go off the edge like Michael Douglas. I just kept the anger inside.

High school, I remember high school as a time of change. Jr. High had more changes, but High school had some positive ones. I remember not liking High school because everyone seemed so shallow and group oriented. However, I do remember some people that made a difference in my life. Some of my teaches made a big impact, some of the school workers, and some individuals who stepped out of their comfort zone to actually start a conversation with me.

I'm not an easy person to talk to sometimes. In High school, I was even harder to talk to. To me, people looked like they were afraid of me or just like they didn't want to talk to me. They had good reason, because I was angry. But I really do respect the people who reached out to me. It took a lot of courage, but don't get me wrong. They only talked to me during class, which was good enough. I didn't need anything more than that.

Anyway, how that fits into today is that probably most of the guys at work have only just graduated high school and have not experienced other things beyond that. Someone once told me that it's true that you become a lot like your friends. You spend time with them and you pick up certain habits. Maturity and immaturity seem to be easier when the group is at a certain maturity. Everyone acts like the same level. If you step out, then it takes a lot of courage, because a lot of people will disagree with you. But you'll never know who will or won't agree with you unless you do step out.

Anyway, I'm just reminded of high school every time I go to work. I'm like, yeah...right...

I'm sure glad that I've grown beyond that and experienced college. I'm sure if I didn't go to college, become a Christian, and see how good life could be then I'd be pretty upset by some things at work. But I realize that some things don't matter. People can think what they want. I won't be able to change their mind unless I talk to them, which doesn't seem possible. I really don't think that people can change others. You can influence them, but it really depends on their acceptance. Really, change doesn't come from other people. It comes from within. That's why it's important to pray for others and try to explain things...

So, with that said, work sucks, but that's life. heh. I'm not that upset about work. But I just think that man, people don't realize how good things could be if they knew God, followed Him, and showed grace and mercy towards each other.

Actually, work is not that bad. But I think that I need to find a new job. I wonder if I'm there for a reason. It doesn't seem like I'm doing any good there though. And I feel like I just need to make some changes in the way I live my own life.

Anyway, there's a lot that I'm not telling you. Anyway, what things look like is not always how they are. Sometimes there are deeper reasons hidden underneath.

Anyway, one thing I want to mention to those who might want to help others who are going through rough times. Always be safe. Always look out for your own safety and don't put yourself in dangerous situations where you could get hurt. Always look out for yourself and even if that means that you have to deny someone something, then it's better to deny than to find something done to you. Some good people get hurt by those who are trying to help them. So, watch out for yourselves. I just say that, because I once tried to help someone else and I found that I could have gotten hurt. Things should be on your terms and not the person needing help's terms.

I've been thinking about my life recently. It has gotten bad at work, but still tolerable. I'm really thankful for that, because it has reminded me of why I followed God in the first place. It has helped me to see that things were a lot worse before than they are now. Without God, I'm not sure where I'd be.

I was thinking that I'd focus on work and such when I got out of college. I spent way too much time doing things other than homework. I even think that God was telling me to get to work on my studies. However, I always knew that my studies should never come first. One reason why I think that I didn't do as well as I could have. But one reason why I my life is not as bad as it could be.

Anyway, my job is not the greatest, but it's a job. I know that I don't want to stay here for too much longer. I guess if I really want to get out of the penitentary, then I'm going to have to prepare for it. I don't know what to say anymore, because I've been writing the same things for the past few months. But one thing is clear. I want change in my life.

I know that there are better things out there than a job. A job is just a job. It's something that you do to earn something to eat. It's something that everyone needs in some aspect of their life. Some jobs can mean more to others, some jobs are hated by the people that do them. But really, what I do in this job really doesn't matter. Anybody can do my job though...and I think that I want to do something else.

If you want something, then you're going to have to prepare for the day when it comes. Right now, I just want to play video games everyday after work and not work on the other things that I need to work on. I guess if I really want to do something, then I'm going to have to work for it. Guess I need to get back to studying again. But I must never forget the most important things in my life and put them first.

All I can say is that I'm thankful for the recent turn of events. I'm talking about the things that have happened to me recently...not other things in the world.

It's kind of funny when you're translating and you have no idea what the weird character is saying. It's also funny when the Japanese guy who is writing the notes on the context has no idea either. Some characters are really far out. Hmm...maybe the guy who is writing the notes isn't Japanese. Well, it just makes my job harder when he writes a note and writes a question mark after it.

Anyway, I got some translating done and I have more to do. I think that I'll take Sunday off and start again during the week.

Man, the group did 10,000 lines of text in 5 days. That's amazing. I guess I've got to pick it up or else I'll lose out on some potential experience. Not to mention money.

Man, I think that I should go to Japan next year.

Maybe I am an ignorant pampered fool. One movie, "El Salvador." Not very nice to watch, but it shows you how bad things can get. I can imagine things being worse than that over in Iraq. However, I don't know what goes on in the rest of the world.

Anyway, I hope that things will get better in the future, but I'm not sure with the current trends of life now.

I went to work yesterday. It wasn't a good day. Today wasn't good either, but yesterday was worse. After work ended, one guy said that there was a bombing in England.

Every morning after work, I turn on the news on the ride home. It was the same stuff over and over again. I couldn't imagine feeling this way again. I felt this sense of dread. Why do people do these things to each other? I guess I'll never understand unless I experience the same things. But still, why do people hurt innocent people?

I know that other people have rougher lives than me. I know that other people have experienced some bad things and want to take out their pain on others. But why? I don't know why...I only know that I don't know what others have experienced. I only know myself.

Well...I know that things in Iraq are getting worse. A lot of Iraqis have become refugees, because they have moved out of Iraq. So who's left in Iraq? Hmm...who can survive there?

Times like this, I wonder where I'll be in 10 years. A lot has changed since I came into college and left college. It's only a speck in the great line of eternity. Looking back at historical stories, I see that things change. Whether good or bad, things change. But I wonder, how did things get to be as they are today? I'd say that in some parts of the world, things are better. In many parts of the world, things are really horrible. But there are some people who are working to make things better.

Really, in the grand scheme of things, we are merely ants. We all work, we all play a small part. But really, no one person makes the whole difference in the grand scheme of things. The only person that I can think of is God, who was, is, and who is to come.

Anyway, that's one reason why I at least try to keep following God. There is purpose to life, even though things don't matter so much. Don't get me wrong...things matter, but some things now in your life may not matter later. Some things now in your life may matter a lot later. But, how many of us remember people 1 or 2 generations back? What about 3?

I mean, people back then played a part in the world today, but how many of them are remembered? Is life meaningless? I like to think that it's not meaningless.

Anyway, I babbled on and on. But, I do believe that the terrorists should be stopped. I do believe that stopping them won't stop terrorism. What I do believe will help the world is looking out for one another. It may not seem big now, but it could impact many lives down the road.

The time is now. Do I work for a better tomorrow? Or do I live for today? I've felt for a long time, that I've lived for today. I haven't worked for tomorrow for a long time. I don't play a big role in other people's lives, but I do play a small part and I do have a role. I choose not to play a bigger role, because I just am tired.

Tired of what you may ask? I won't answer that.

All the things that matter and all the things that don't matter make up our lives. Really, we'll not be judged by our great deeds that we've done. One person put it eloquently in a chapter, "We'll be judged by love." Nothing else matters as much as that.

You may not know what I'm talking about, but read "Letters from the Desert" by Carlo Carretto. He has digested a lot of truth. The verses that comes to my mind is 1 Cor. 13:1-3.

[Edit] one thing I want to say is that you don't have to go far to help people that need help. They could be your friends or family. They could already be in your life at work...

Yesterday...

I was dead tired. I worked 5 hours and 50 minutes. I think a lot of people were gone, because we had the 4th off, but not the 5th. I guess I shouldn't complain because I got paid for the holiday because I showed up the day before the weekend and the day after. But man, it was a really long day.

Translating is fun...

when you know what they're saying. Right now, I've got a side job translating some text for a Nintendo DS game. I have no idea which game it is, but since it's a DS game, it needs to be under 30 characters including spaces. I'm getting paid 7.5 cents per translated word. I spent 6 hours translating 60 lines. I'm starting to get the hang of it now, but I think that I should go to Japan to learn Japanese and the way people speak it.

It's interesting though. Trying to translate the emotion, how people are speaking, and of course the text into a way that English speakers will understand is a little difficult. But, given that we only have 30 characters for each line, it doesn't have to be profound. I'm really enjoying this side job. I hope that they'll give me more work to do. I guess I just have to turn it in really quickly.

Star Ocean...

I'm really loving this game. The battles are simple and button mashers, but the new abilities that you learn make it interesting and somewhat obsessive. As you use your abilities more and more, your mastery of them goes higher and they become more effective. So, in a sense, you use it to get better at it, or you don't have to use it at all. There are 8 characters in this game that you can with. I'm thinking that there's more, but maybe one character goes away when you go to another planet. I'm not that far into the game, but I'm really looking forward to beating this game and unlocking the hardest difficulty level. I guess I've only spent 36 hours of my life playing this. hehe.

Man, RPGs will take up a lot of your life. I think that I've spent more time playing video games than I have anything else, but sleeping. What waste of time. But hey, it's fun. That's RPGs for you. They'll take up a lot of your life, because you're living an alternate life within the video game. I guess I should limit the time I spend on this huh.

I haven't posted for awhile, because the internet keeps on going down. It's up one minute, down the next.

Anyway, I was playing Star Ocean Till the End of Time and I must say that it's a pretty interesting game. The characters have depth. One person, who is called Albel the Wicked, becomes part of your party. One person says that he has a weak heart and that makes him keep people at arms length. One conversation he has with the main character is about life. Life for him and the kingdom he lives in is harsh. It's packed with snow, not allowing too many crops to grow. Aquaria on the other hand, is a warm climate with a magical water source that flows throughout the land.

For Albel, he talks about the harshness of reality and why they went to war with Aquaria. Life is tougher for them over there and my choice of what the main character said to Albel of why Albel's kingdom lost, "You lack compassion," made him go on this tirade.

I guess I can understand why Albel's character is such a harsh guy. The climate, not weather, he lives in is pretty harsh. They do lack compassion, but maybe there's a reason behind it.

Anyway, I think that it's interesting to see how games nowadays are incorporating characters like this in your party. They're not perfect and they give you another viewpoint.

I can relate to Albel. I can also empathize too. But I cannot understand everything that he went through, because I have never had life that severe. But I know that living in hate is not the way to live.

I've come to see that I do keep everyone at arms length. I even push away those who I want to be close to, because I have a weak heart. I'm actually scared of how good life could be. I'm scared that I'd do something to mess it up by being me. In truth, it's probably because I haven't grown up enough to handle emotions like this. I have little experience.

But I think that over time, if I walk with God, then I'll learn how to love others.

Capcom

I must say that Capcom is an awesome company. If you ask me, I'll tell you why I'm so pleased. Anyway, they are now ranked #2 after Square-Enix in my book. I think that I might try to get a job with them later on in life after I get more experience.

Maybe I'm easy to please, but I'm loving Capcom right now.

The best part...

Fridays are always good. I get paid every Friday. Even though today was a lot heavier than the previous 4 days, it was good in that things went smoothly. At our break, the supervisor said that we get monday off! He also mentioned that if we don't show up on Tuesday, then we don't get paid for the holiday. Wow, I didn't even know that we got some holiday pay...I guess this isn't such a bad place to work at.

I'll be receiving benefits starting today. I know that I can use these. It takes 2 months of 40 hours a month to get benefits for the 1st month. I have to work 40 hours each month to continue benefits for the month after.

One thing that I found both sad and uplifting was talking to this one guy today. He told me, "I hate this place..." I asked, "How long have you worked here for?" He said, "6 years...you know why I work here? It's my wife...she has been married 4 times and all have been to marines. They beat her up and broke her bones, so she's always in the hospital now. Age is catching up with her now." I didn't know what to say, so I said, "I'm sorry..." and walked off. I think that I could have done a better job in saying something positive. It kind of sounded like I'm saying, "Oh, I'm sorry that you're still working here." I wasn't saying that, but while I was driving home, I thought that he must be a really good husband to put up with a job like this for 6 years. He hates his job, yet he stays here, because his wife needs the help...otherwise, they would be worse off.

People hate this place. I'm starting to not like it either. But, I guess it's still a paycheck, and we do get great benefits, despite our low pay. I'm just glad that I have a job. I don't plan on staying here for more than 1 year, but I'm wondering...what do I really want in my life? I don't know.

Personally, I think that I need to just meditate some more about the people in my life, how I'm treating them, and how to become a better person, so that they'll stay in my life. I feel that I'm rough around the edges most of the time.

But still, I think that I'm not so bad. But yeah, enough about me.

Anyway, this place where I work at, is a good place to work. But I need to find another job. Someone who also went to the same university as me works there too. He graduated a year before me. He tells me, "I went to school for this?" He cracks me up. Funny guy...anyway, I know that probably most people who are working there now, won't be there for more than one year. Things will change and the people will change. I know if I want to get anywhere, I'm going to have to prepare.

The best part about working here is that there are some decent people here. It's a dark place, but what part of the world isn't dark? If you're always in the light, then you're probably not needed there. But still, I don't think that I'm burning brightly at all. Well, sometimes, all you can do is pray and do your best to get to know people. I guess I've got to get back into the game. Life is not a game, but what I'm saying is, I've got to participate again...something I don't want to do anymore.

Work...sucks...

It's not that bad...when I'm going home for the day. But really, work is not that horrible. On Monday, my supervisor told us that we were going to have a light week this week. Monday wasn't so bad. Then Tuesday had a lot of stuff for us to go through. Plus there was an inspection that day, so we were told to work really fast for the first hour. heh.

Today sucked the most. For some reason, people don't like using enough tape to tape up their boxes, so we had an extraordinary amount of boxes that we had to re-tape. Plus we had a heavy shipment, so we didn't get out until later than usual. I don't know why, but this week seems like it's going to be tougher than last week. Last week, we got out early almost everyday.

They even had someone who does the same thing I do, unload a truck. I'm thinking...if he's doing that when his guy is sick, then I will probably be doing the same thing if my guy is sick. Oh man...I can't imagine doing that...well...heavy lifting...I was expecting it and I will probably be doing it.

Anyway, one thing that I must say is, I don't believe that my bosses can predict how much work we're going to have for the week. Sometimes things change in the middle of the week, because people send stuff out for fast shipments.

I had an off day today. It wasn't so horrible, but it felt like I couldn't do anything right today. Nothing to do, but to recover, get to work tomorrow, and do better. I wasn't even tired today. Maybe I was, I just didn't feel tired. All that caffiene from yesterday.

Anyway, I'm thinking...where do I want to go in life? Am I going to stick around here? Do I really want to go to Japan? I'm thinking that I really don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Anyway, enough pondering...

Some thoughts about what I do

I've looked at my life for the past year. I don't do very much anymore in terms of serving others and being a servant. I do a little but I look at my heart and I see that I don't have a heart right now. It's not soft...that's all I can say. I guess that's one reason why I think that God might not have wanted me to serve in the children's ministry this year. I am not sure if He does want me to serve in that ministry again, but I really think that He doesn't want me to serve this year. For what reason, I don't know. Anyway...

I was told that the heart behind what you do is more important than the doing. Doing is important, but if you don't have the right heart behind it, then it might not be so good to actually do that. I find that I don't have very much love in my heart right now. I can say that because I feel like I don't care. I do care about some things and some people, but really, I'm just in oblivion right now.

I can attribute this to not spending enough time with God. Lately, I've been doing other things than spending time with God. Yesterday was the first time in about a week that I have spent time with Him praying and reading His word.

I could do things in my church and I could do things for other people, but really, I just feel dead. I guess the change has to start within before I can start doing things again.

I wonder why God still meets with me when I pray, and I know that the only reason is because He loves me. I take Him and a lot of people for granted sometimes, but I'm seeing that really, I need to care again about those who I have friendships with and those who actually care about me.

I know that people are there to help me if I ask. I know that people have been trying to talk to me and I also know that some people have moved on. Really, I can't worry about people leaving me. I need to focus on just getting better. I also need to focus on being a friend.

Anyway, something inside of me asks...is it better if you don't serve at all? Would anybody else do it? I like to think that if I don't do something, then someone else will answer the call to serve. I know that everything doesn't depend on me. But then again, maybe I need to serve again. You learn by doing right?

Anyway, about an earlier post about doing...it's important to have the right attitude and heart behind what you do, but if you're doing something that is not right...not matter what your heart is behind it, it is probably not right. I know that things aren't black and white, but really, you need to use your own judgment about things and not take everything anyone says all one way.

Sometimes we are fooled by half truths. And sometimes the truth may be perverted for someone else's objectives. Anyway, all I'm saying is, "Think for yourself and judge for yourself what is right and wrong."

Batman Begins...

I saw Batman a week ago. Pretty good movie. I must say that it is different from the animated series, but still pretty good.

There were two quotes that I remember the most. "Why do we fall down Bruce?" (Bruce's father asked.) The answer, "So we can learn to get back up." The second quote is, "it's not who you are inside that's important. It's what you do that defines you Bruce." The last one I kind of agree with because what you do does say something about you, but it doesn't mean everything. However, I'd say that the heart behind what you do matters more. Doing isn't everything, it's the heart behind the doing. Someone could have a really arrogant attitude while helping the less fortunate. Is that actually helping anybody? Is it making them feel worse? Questions I ask and think about. Really, people look at the outside, but not many people look at what's inside. We can't always see what's inside sometimes, until we notice it later.

Anyway, I thought that it was a great movie. I still like the animated series the best, but I'm glad that they got back to the roots of why Batman is Batman. The previous movies just ruined the whole concept. It started to go downhill after Batman Returns. I guess filmmakers are entitled to their own artistic license too. But man, it was getting pretty bad.

One thing that I hope that they keep is some of the bad guys for the next movies. If you kill off all the bad guys, then you can't use them again in another movie. I guess people only want to make so many movies...and a comic series is meant to last a longer period of time than movies, but it would be nice to see some old faces back in the game and to see more of their character developed. Who knows...maybe they get rid of them, so they don't have to pay them more money to come back.

The whole concept of Batman is a past that has changed Bruce Wayne, and a desire to make sure that it doesn't happen again to any other people. Even helping people who misunderstand him.

Why do we fall down? Why do we fail? Why do we lose? So we can learn to get back up, try again, and succeed later. It build character to try again. If we never knew pain, then how would we know what joy is?

Life is tough

This is a fallen world. I'm not saying go out there and fail or lose, but what I'm saying is, there is no growth without these things. If everyone succeeded in everything, then to me, it would seem like a Hell on earth. Everything would be too easy. Nothing would be worth trying for. Life would be boring.

Batman and Spiderman are my favorite superheros. They are human beings who are not perfect, but try really hard to make things right. I think what I identify most about them is with their weaknesses, and I respect about their characters their sense of right and wrong. Things aren't always black and white, but sometimes you have to make judgments about what to do.

Batman and Spiderman have strong characterics of right. Both have to do with a tradgedy in each of their lives.

In my life, I still struggle with things from my past. I have made choices that hurt me and helped me. I have choices now. What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to do with my relationships with my friends? What am I going to do with my church?

We all have a part to play in this world. One thing that I'm learning about myself is that I shouldn't let other people define who I am. I define who I am. I have my own life to lead.

I guess after all this searching for the past 6 months, I'm being reminded that my worth is not defined by other people. If it was, I'd be worth very little. The one person that I belong to is God. He will never leave me or forsake me.

I have choices to make for my life. Right now, I'm going nowhere. I guess the thing to do is to not get comfortable sitting around and start running again.

Goodbyes, hellos, and Goodbyes

Yesterday there was a going away party for someone. We went to a park and had a potluck there. It was super busy. I got there an hour late and didn't miss much. Other people showed up later.

My friend is leaving back for her home. She has a job lined up and she is going to do well there.

It was sad to see her go. I barely talked to her, because I have never been good at saying goodbye.

One of my friends from Japanese showed up. Her boyfriend went to school with my friend. She came and talked to me, because we had class together. She is a nice person and we talked for a little bit.

I always get uncomfortable around people from time to time, and this was one of those times. It's nothing that she did, it's just that I find that I haven't had much practice with people I haven't seen and people that are new. Anyway, I probably won't see her again...just like my other friend.

Anyway, despite the goodbyes, I had a good time talking with some of my other friends. The time passed quickly and it was over before I knew it. I missed the main reason why I came there, which was to talk to my friend.

Anyway, there were some new people that I haven't met before that were there to see my friend off. I felt like such a hypocrite, because aren't we supposed to welcome new people? Instead, I felt like I was just talking to my friends instead of trying to actually meet new people. I noticed that the majority, my friends, were still here at the end, while the people that I didn't know left earlier. I wonder if they had a good time.

I guess one thing that I need to work on is hospitality. I must admit that I'm still scared of this world. One experience really was traumatic. I haven't recovered yet. But I know that unless I actually try to get back into the swing of things, I won't recover. I guess the solution is to force myself again, and get out of my comfort zone.

I'm wondering what lies ahead. Where will I go? What will I do? Will I make good choices, or will I choose to live in a mediocre way?

Really, my life is my own. I have my own choices to make. I have my own life to create. I'm just wondering, do I really want it?

Things don't turn out the way you want them to, but definitely there will be good times and bad times.

Something going through my head today was, I really need to just get over some things. At work, there are some people who might not like me and there are some people who I get along with well. I was thinking today, you just got to make your own time here. Make your own life. You have choices and you're not helpless.

So, I decided to have a good day at work. I decided to just see the positive, even though negative happens from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the negative, and I try to deal with it. Sometimes I do it in the wrong way, like today, but I see what I did wrong and what I should do the next time. I had a good day and I didn't let myself get trapped in my negativity. heh. I'm sure you guys don't know what I'm talking about. Even people who have known me for awhile don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway...

One thing that I'm sure of is that I need to find a new job. I don't think that this is a good job for me. It's really dangerous doing this type of work. Either I'm going to get hurt, or someone else is.

I wonder...

Oil and OPEC

My dad is watching the US senators debate on whether or not to use anti-trust suits against OPEC. Those of you living in America, I'm sure you know of the high gasoline prices that we have as of now. It seems like the senators are blaming OPEC, the band of countries in the middle east that have oil.

They're complaining about oil prices being too high and also talking about greenhouse gases and how they think that global warming is a myth. They could be right, but one thing that I know is that man made stuff hurts the environment. If we're not careful, we'll all be dead by our own pollution.

Anyway, I think that it's ridculous that the senate is thinking of using an anti-trust suit against OPEC. What I do say is, OPEC is getting smart, because oil is a necessity for many countries and as long as there are no other ways of getting efficient energy to run our transportation, then we'll always depend on them. Even if we do open up the artic reserves for oil, that won't be enough and will ruin Alaska.

What I must say is, there is a lot of self interest in Washington. The government was spending money on developing alternative energies in the 70s, but it got cancelled when Ronald Regan came to power. He said that we must depend on oil.

When you think about it, gasoline companies make a heck of a lot of money on everyone. Gas is used everyday. Gas is necessary for the US to get around, not to mention a lot of other places too.

The senators also make money off of the gasoline companies. Who makes contributions to the government? Companies. Companies know how to get what they want. Money talks. Government officials have to raise money to campaign. To stay in office, they need to play the game. The good ones sometimes get swept away.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, the government could spend money on making alternative energies, but...they are getting paid by the oil industry, so they don't spend on alternative energy.

I don't claim to know everything...it's obvious that I know very little about this. But when you think about it, it's just stupid to charge an anti-trust suit against OPEC. We HAVE to depend on them...or else we're in trouble. What I'm saying is, the US gov. is digging deeper in it's own trouble and self interest. Why not develop alternative energies? It's expensive to develop yes, but really, how much do we spend on weapons? Why not make something that benefits everyone and helps us in the future?

I don't know...common sense dictates that we should develop alt. energies. Anyway, I guess no one is interested. We're living good now and there's no reason to worry...Anyway, I guess if the government did develop better alt. energies, then they would keep it a secret for awhile until it is needed. However, I doubt they're doing that.

Hmm...I sure hope that someone will develop a better solar cell. That's not the only type of alt. energy, but I do think that that is going to be the most useful.

I've come to realize that some things aren't that big of a deal. I have cooled off a little from my previous post. Thank goodness for today's message. The verses, Matthew 5:43-48 helped.

I'm wondering what the correct actions to take are. I guess there is no right answer in this, but there are better ways of doing things. Some better than others. What would Jesus do? My guess is that He wouldn't worry about this little thing and forgive others as He forgives me.

Anyway, I'm seeing that I need to get more sleep. I'm wearing out from just not taking care of myself and being sick.

Sundays...

I'm always glad that the weekends come, but I always have to adjust my schedule every week. I think Sunday's are the hardest day of the week for me. I'm always worrying about getting to work on time the next day. Even though it's late already for me, I'm wanting to talk to my family.

Sunday mornings are tough, because I am usually sleepy on those days. Sometimes I don't want to go to church. Sometimes I'd rather sleep and stay in bed. But today was good. Even though I wasn't talkative today, I was glad that I went to church and went out to lunch. I wonder why I go sometimes, because I'm usually so tired that I don't talk that much. I feel so low...maybe this is depression talking.

I'm thinking that I need to focus on what's positive instead of what's negative. I also need to see that really, some things don't matter and that I do have worth. Really, nobody can give me what I need. I need to work with God to create the things that I need. I'm talking about being okay with myself and participating in conversations. I guess it's a learning process.

Being okay with myself...sometimes I'm too hard on myself. But I guess I need to forgive myself too.

Today, the message was about Fathers and God. I remember a few things, but one thing that I remember is that strength is not hiding your weakness, but being able to get back up and try again if you are knocked down. If you're knocked down 7 times, will you try the 8th time to start again? Note, I'm not talking about relationships here. I'm talking about not giving up. Wow, I'm going to miss this pastor. Well, I know that he'll do some great things in the new church that he's going to start. Praise God that someone is going out into this world to reach out to those who don't know Jesus and who will really care for them. Note that the pastor and his family have great hearts, and I know that the people they meet will be really lucky to meet them.

Makes me think...I really need to pray and spend time with Jesus.

Some things don't matter. Two things matter the most. One greater than the other.

Anyway, I know that holidays aren't necessarily celebrations for everyone. I hope, however, that you all will have good days on those days though. One thing that I try to remember is that God is good and we don't know everything. Sometimes we won't know why something happened until very much later. Events shape our lives...they are out of our control sometimes, but there is hope. I have been taught this from church and it has kept me going. I don't know where I'd be without God.

Anyway, I know that words only mean so much. But I hope that you all will experience good things to come.

All I got to say is, be careful who you deal with. Some people really need to learn people skills. I'm not saying that I'm perfect either, but man, sometimes things come out the wrong way when I'm at the receiving end.

Anyway, nothing big happened...but yeah, I'm learning more about this world by dealing with this world. I guess that's why we need Christ.

People really are interesting...but I think that sometimes I need to use a little conditioning so that people will learn that they are doing something wrong. I'm not talking about running experiments on anybody, but what I'm saying is, sometimes you need to tell people that what they're doing is wrong. If you reward bad behavior, then people will just act worse.

I'm not saying bite them back...what I'm saying is, show them that they hurt you and that what they did is wrong. Hmm...maybe I should watch Super Nanny. haha. That's conditioning...Parenting.

Anyway, I know that sometimes things aren't this easy. But really, there are better ways of doing things.

I don't pretend to know what everyone else is going through...but yeah, I'm speaking only for myself. I'm still learning...

I'm having writer's block...I can't seem to express myself. Anyway, I'll try to just write whatever comes to the top of my head. Maybe I just need to write some things that I've been doing.

Star Ocean Till the End of Time

You can find the article here.


This is a great game for the PS2! I'm enjoying it. The battle system is pretty simple, but it's still more fun than just telling your characters to attack and watching them attack. The battles are in real time. If you're looking for more of a challenge, then check out Ninja Gaiden for the XBOX. But yeah, I'll explain some more about the battle system for Star ocean.

Battles consist of three characters that you can control. You control only one character at a time and the other characters do their own actions based on the label you told them to fight in. You can switch between characters at any time though. There are minor attacks and major attacks. Minor attacks are quick and use less fury (it's like stamina), but can be blocked if the opponent has 100% fury. If you have an anti attack barrier, then your block will bounce a stun wave back at the attacker. This can be changed to a different setting like bouncing back damage, but only when you find items that will teach your characters how to do that.

Major attacks will break the barrier and allow you to keep attacking if you choose to without being stunned. Major attacks take up more fury than minor attacks, so if your gauge reaches 0, then you'll have to stand still until it recharges.

There are also special attacks if you learn them based upon experience and equip them. They will level up the more you use them. They are initiated by holding down the button that you equipped them on.

There is also long and short attacks. These are based upon the distance you are from the enemy. If the gauge says that you're a long distance away, then your attacks will be different. For Fsyt, the main character, he has only chains of two attacks for both the minor and major. The special attacks can be equipped to either long or short for your major or minor attacks.

The gameplay is pretty simple and there's not much to it besides button mashing and dodging. It's addicting, but can get tiring over 1-2 hours. The fun part about this game is not the actual gameplay, but improving and getting new things because of the experience in battles.

Patenting items

You can actually hire inventors or invent stuff with your characters and patent it. So far, I've found an Anti Poison Amulet, and some Sake (alcohol) that I patented. I'm hoping that they'll give me some more gameplay money in this game. The game has some variety in that you can create items, synthesize them, make food, invent weapons, engineer technology, etc. and patent it so that you can buy it in the game...I'm not sure if you get any money for it, but I'm thinking you do. It costs quite a bit of money to make something in this game. But it's funny to see the character's expressions as they work on something. Anyway, there's lots of details that I don't want to go into.

Storyline

I won't ruin the story for you, but there is external and internal struggle throughout the parts of the game that I've played.

I like how you can talk to the inhabitants of the different towns and get a feel for how things are like there. But sometimes it does seem a little unrealistic, even though I know that there are people out there like some of the little blurbs of text.

Anyway, this was kind of a boring post. But yeah, that's what I've been sinking my teeth into.

Sometimes it's best not to worry...I mean, what good will that do you? Pray and do what you can.

Sometimes you've got to wonder...

From time to time, I wonder why I'm here. I feel like I create bad times for some people. I feel like I hurt people from time to time by my actions and my words. (Not physically, mind you.) I'm talking about other people's feelings.

I know that it is inevitable that we will hurt each other. We're not perfect and we have flaws in our own beings that we use to hurt others. I don't believe that our flaws cause us to hurt others, it's something that we do, whether intentional or not.

Anyway, given all the things that are in the back of my mind, I'm feeling pretty low.

Anyway, humans are beings that can do a lot of harm to each other and have done a lot of harm to the world. But I know that there is one person who will forgive me if I ask for forgiveness and if I forgive others for the wrongs I have against them. I'm having trouble letting go of these grudges of the past. But I keep reminding myself that "nobody's perfect," and "we're all just trying to live the best we can." It's inevitable that we're going to hurt others and be hurt by others. But, that doesn't mean that you go out there and intentionally hurt others in any way.

Sometimes I wonder...why was I created? Have I actually made anyone's life better? When I do try to help, I find that people take advantage of my good intentions. I'm learning how not to let people take advantage of me twice by the same person. I guess if you have good intentions, then you will be taken advantage of from time to time, but we're supposed to be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves. So, what I learned from someone else who knows someone else who helps others in need, is that there are honest people, and there are dishonest people. If someone is found untrustworthy, then it's stupid to trust them again. You're just going to get hurt or taken advantage of again.

Then, I am sometimes the one who hurts others or makes them feel bad about themselves. I don't intend to do that, but it comes out that way from time to time. I know that I just have to look back, see what I did wrong, see what I could do right the next time, and move on.

Anyway, I know that it's pointless to keep writing about this. Some things are bothering me, and I wonder if I blow things out of proportion to how things actually are. I don't know. Nobody tells me anything...so I assume nothing is wrong. But I wonder sometimes why people just don't tell me when they have something against me. Maybe it's small to them and I guess I shouldn't worry about things like this. One of my friends told me not to worry about relational things. People forgive and forget over time. My friend is an outstanding person and I see that he is pretty good at relational things and keeping himself upbeat.

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind for some time now. I think that it was good that I wrote this down. For my benefit, I don't have to worry about things anymore. But, what I do need to do is see what I did wrong and improve myself.

Graduation...couldn't make it

I decided to stay home while my parents and brother left for graduation. I think that it's best that I stay home. I would probably get worse being out in this weather. Plus I have used up almost all the kleenex in the house.

Right now, I'm coughing up flem and blowing my nose every two minutes. Well...more like coughing, and blowing my nose. I'm in the recovery stage now I guess. I'm just glad that I didn't get sick last year when I graduated...otherwise, I'd be in miserable shape.

Well, to everyone who was graduating this year...sorry I couldn't make it.

I feel sick

Nuff said...I'm ill. I feel a lot better than I did this morning though...Man, I don't know if I'll make it to my brother's graduation tomorrow.

Bad times will come

Today was just a bad day at work. Some things happened that weren't my fault. Or at least, I don't think they were. There were two instances. When I started work. The wireless scanner was on the ground and not plugged into the charger, so I'm thinking that it wouldn't work. I try scanning and it doesn't scan. Hmm...I try again...no luck. I call the manager. He comes back with a battery. It still doesn't scan. Finally he looks in the back and replugs the power back into the receiver. That wasn't my fault, it was like that when I got there. Fair enough...

During work there were two more instances. One my fault, another, not my fault. I accidently unplugged the receiver when I pulled the receiver. I called the manager again...he replugged it back in. I pulled it again so that it wouldn't fall to the ground...it unplugged, and he told me not to pull it and plugged it back in. My fault on that one.

The second one was that I was moved to a different station after break. Someone was still logged in...so I log them out. Then I log in. While I'm scanning, I notice that the label doesn't print out when I'm scanning a box. I then look back at the computer to see that I'm logged off. I log back in. Not long later, the computer logs me off for no reason. I thought that I was hitting the keyboard with the wire from the scanner, so I move the keyboard. Still, it does the same thing. I call the manager. He tries it, and he then gives it to me after so many tries. Then he watches, and goes away after 5 minutes. It messes up after he leaves. So I give up. I just log back in when I get logged off.

At the end of work, I'm sent back to that computer. I try to scan something, and it messes up. I scan again, and it logs me off. I keep trying to log back in, and it logs me off. Finally, it breaks. It crashed and then my supervisor comes and checks on it. Yup, it's not responding...So we move all the heavy stuff and other things on the belt to another belt some 10 feet away. Just not my day. They think that the scanner is broken. Could be...but really, I wonder if someone was messing with me. Not sure about that though. I don't know why someone would not log off when break time came. Really, it lowers their stats. I'm sure that it was just faulty programming.

I am not expecting to be working here long. I might get fired sooner or later like one of my other coworkers did. I wonder exactly how long I'll be here. Well, I guess maybe I need to prepare for the worst. If I do get fired, then I know that it's time to move on. Really, jobs come and go. If I'm fired for this, then I'll know that it wasn't my fault. I don't expect to be fired...but if they have one station less tomorrow, then I'll probably be told to go home for the day.

Anyway, I know that I'm a capable person and I can do some jobs well. Not all jobs, I can do well, but some jobs. Well...I guess it's no big deal if I do get fired. I'll just look for another job. I might try Japan earlier than I expected to if things don't work out here.

Get back on your feet...start up again...this is what I tell myself. I've been sitting out too long. I know what I need to do.

Pick yourself up and try again. Get back into the game...or else you'll never get anywhere.

Sometimes it's so easy to just feel bad about oneself. Something that I am trying to do is to learn from my mistakes, think of what I'd do different and move on. You'll never know what things are ahead of you on the path you walk. But, when similar things come back, then you'll know how to deal with them. It won't be the same, but if you don't learn from your mistakes, then you'll likely repeat them.

One thing that you must remember is that the things ahead and now are NOT the same as they were in the past. But if you don't correct it now in yourself, then it is likely to happen again.

Without a Hard Drive?

More news on the PS3. You can find the page here.

Anyway, the article says that it will be backwards compatible with PS2 games, but doesn't have a memory card slot...I'm wondering...what are they thinking?!

Life always has its struggles. I find that since I'm really sensitive that I get more emotional than others sometimes. I mean, I know that we can't always go by our emotions, because emotions don't always have reason to them. Sometimes they do tell you that you should be careful. Sometimes your emotions can be more about how you perceive things than about what the other person is feeling or why they're saying something. Whatever it is, it's not always clear why people do something, say something, or react a certain way.

The only way to find out is to ask them and talk with them in a non-accusing manner or non-angry manner. Depending on the person, they might or might not tell you the truth. If they're honest, they'll tell you, or they'll tell you that they don't want to say anything about it. If they're dishonest, they'll lie. It's not always black and white like I just put it...because other factors may come into play...but yeah, I wonder sometimes...

Anyway, I think the reason I'm writing this is that I'm playing some music in the background and it has remined me of some things in the past. I guess the old wounds still linger, even though they are relatively light scars. It's like an itchy feeling where you scratch the scar and it feels more irritated.

However, I remember these things for a reason. They have been an important part of my life and have shaped who I am. Someone older once told me after I told him part of my testimony, "Aren't you glad that you went through all that?" I said, "I guess." I was. I was glad that I am where I am now. I am glad.

I know that life will always be hard. It will never be easy for anyone. However, I do believe that some people have tougher lives than others. I am amazed at how cool some people are that are disabled. How did they become so cool? They worked at it. They were given a disadvantage and they worked hard to be become better. Working hard isn't the only thing that has been part of their life. But it varies from person to person and each life is unique.

Anyway, nothing serious happened. I'm just thinking about things and life. Following Jesus is not easy...because He will always take you out of your comfort zone and stretch you. It is dangerous sometimes...but that's why we do ministry in groups. Anyway, I have some things I need to think about.

Weekend Update

Friday, there was a gathering to help set up for a fundraiser. I, feeling so bad, didn't go. I slept instead. I thought that it would be best if I didn't go. I wasn't feeling so good. The past week was just really tiring and I felt like I wanted to reach the weekend so badly. I'm glad that I got sleep on Friday.

Saturday, we had our last small group meeting. We went to a sushi joint where they had small conveyor belts move the sushi around. I was happy to eat all those California rolls. I used to not like sushi before I went to Japan. After I came back, I ate sushi and liked it. In Japan, I had to eat it, because we went to a sushi bar and that was the only thing to eat for dinner. Plus there were several other occasions where it was the only thing to eat. I like it a lot now, but I still prefer pizza.

Anyway, back to the sushi place...it's pretty close to the city center. My brother used to live really close to that place. In fact, if he were still living there, he could just walk over. They have Tako yaki (fried Octopus, made with batter into a ball), seared salmon, Fried Calamari, Tuna rolls (the raw kind and also the canned kind too), red bean, mango and green tea ice cream...and more sushi I couldn't name for a great price. $1, $1.50, $2, or $3 a plate. I really like that place! It's better than the one on the east side. $1 for 3 pieces of fried gyoza was kind of expensive though. But hey, how often do I get to eat fried gyoza?

Man, my stomach is happy from eating all that. I don't think that I'll visit there too often though. I have to drive a long way to get there.

Afterward, we went to the Wests' place and played Poker. We didn't bet anything, which sucked...because I would have received some money if we did. But it was fun. I got good cards throughout the whole game. Usually I don't have that kind of luck. But hey, you can't win them all. The game lasted kind of long though...

Sunday, I got to church on time...finally...and after church went to lunch. Then came home, took a shower and slept as soon as I could. I learned my lesson from last week.

Monday monotony

For some reason, the belt didn't seem to go as fast today. I think it goes the same speed everyday, but when I'm not tired I can move a lot faster instead of slugging around. Overall, the same old same old stuff. Nothing really new to report. I think that work went well though. I'm glad that I have a job and that I'm doing something productive. I was expecting a heavy day and we got out early. Not so bad. I can imagine me staying at this place for some time. We'll see what opportunities come up. For right now, I need to do what I need to do.

After a day of sleep, a half a night of play, and some more sleep until now, I feel rested. Now I need to eat some more.

I have some things on my mind as of lately. I tend to get down on myself a lot. I often find that nobody is going to tell me the things that I need to hear, so...I have to tell myself the things that I know to be true. While there are things bad about myself, there are also things good about me too. I often have to tell myself the things that are positive about myself and not beat myself up with things that are not so good about myself. I counter the bad things about myself with something that I hope that I can accomplish to make that part a better part of me.

"Yeah, people may ignore me, but that doesn't mean that they don't like me."

"It could mean that they don't like me, but I'm still a good person, and maybe they will like me later on. Maybe not, but I am trying to get along with them."

"Yeah, I'm kind of boring to be around, but that just means that I have to work on my social skills. I just don't have that much experience in this kind of thing, but that doesn't mean that I am worthless."

Things like that. I have to tell myself things that I know to be true. Things positive about myself. If I just beat myself up or feel bad about what I don't have, then I neglect to see that I do have things that are positive. Also, acknowledging that I have negative things about myself lets me to see that I have things where I need to improve in. Sometimes I replay stuff in my head and I feel guilty or bad about some things that I have done. But that doesn't help me. What I need to do is think of what I could do differently the next time.

I'm not perfect. But there are better things that I could do in social situations. Growth is a process. It doesn't come overnight, and it takes efforts. However, don't over emphasize the efforts...sometimes you need to analyze what you're doing and correct it before you go back into the situation. Or sometimes, you need to just let things go and let them be.

I know that I have worth regardless of how people treat me. I was told that the reason a person feels bad about someone else calling them a name is that the person who is being called a name believes that what the other person says is true. While it may be that just the fact that someone wants another to feel bad about something...really, we don't have to accept what they say is true. If we are secure enough, then we won't let things like names bother us.

One negative thought takes two positive thoughts to counter it. I find that I have to tell myself two things that are true about myself to counter the one negative thought. Labels hurt, but I usually tell myself that I am not that and I am something which I know to be true.

Anyway, main point, if you feel bad about someone calling you something, then it's probably because you believe it. If you don't believe it, then you shouldn't feel bad about what another person thinks. Bad feelings do come because of other people trying to bring other people down, but really, you have more control than you think. You can't control other people, but you can control what you think of yourself. People can think anything...they can bring others down to make themselves feel better.

Anyway, if it isn't obvious, I struggle with what other people say about me. But I know that I am not perfect and I have work to do to make myself a better person. It does feel better when I do tell myself things that I know to be true about myself. Positive things...not negative things. When you beat yourself up, you are agreeing with the other person who is trying to bring you down. Labels or names dehumanize another person. If you call someone something, then you fail to see them as a person, because you see them as that label.

Anyway, we're all not perfect, but that means that we all have work to do. Which feels better? To believe that you're nobody or worthless, or to believe that you have worth and that you're somebody. I find that the latter works better for me.

Anyway, words are powerful as they can stay with you until the day you die. But really, the words should not control us. We should control the words. (I love Kiasmus.)

Anyway, what you must be careful about is thinking more of yourself than is true. Nobody is better than another. I believe that because we are all like each other with the same nature. Sin. But you've got to realize that people are just like you. They feel the same things, the may even feel the same way, but people are people and we don't always get along. People...the human race...It's not this simple to bring people together. There's a lot of bad feelings going way back. But I do believe that God is still present in this world and He can bring good where there is bad. Anyway, enough of my ideals. I don't believe that words alone will make or break you. This is just a way to deal with the words. We all have work to do.

I need to eat

I didn't eat last night. I slept the whole day and slept at night too until work started. I felt horrible all day at work and I think that people could tell. I looked in the mirror and I saw someone who looked pretty horrible. I guess I looked how I felt. To anybody at my workplace reading this...yeah, my apologies...

I can't imagine what it's like to be hungry all the time...I guess I'll have to get a good job later on. That or stop spending money on stuff I don't need.

I'm so tired. I don't know if I'm going to go to fellowship tonight. I think that it might be wise to just relax this whole weekend. One of my other friends has graduated from seminary. She is having a party at her house, but I'm thinking that I'll probably just stay home.

Have any of you felt like you are living in limbo? Not necessarily Hell, but just feeling so apathetic toward everything...

Ranting about the different stages...

As a kid, I used to think that I was the best person in the world. Well...I acted like such I guess...maybe not think that. But yeah, I excelled at many things as a kid, because I got some good teachings at school and at home

When I reached my teenage years, I thought that I was the worst person in the world. I wasn't treated very well by people in Jr. High and out of school, and I started to not like myself. I knew that I was doing some wrong things, but nobody helped me. The people that did try to, didn't know how.

High school was a turning point. I actually got some help that changed my life. The help didn't change my life, but it gave me some direction that I could choose to follow or not. I followed it and I made some better decisions. It wasn't easy, and I hated high school, but I did become a better person, because of the choices that I made.

College was the time of my life. I actually made friends and people talked to me. I was able to have some conversations, even though my basic conversation skills weren't that good, people were a lot more mature than in high school. It was my first time living away from home, and I enjoyed it so much, that I didn't even call my parents for 2 months one time. haha. It taught me more about myself and how I grew up vs. how everyone else is. Nobody grows up the same as someone else. We all have different experiences, but from the same family, you learn that you really are like your family in many ways in comparison to many different people out there.

Now, I'm in the work stage of my life. I'm still learning how to talk to people here. School is similar to the working stage of your life, because you do have something in common with the rest of the people at the same place. But really, at my workplace I really don't know how to talk to these guys sometimes. They're not bad people, but I just find that I really don't know what to talk to them about. They joke around with each other about work and stuff. They're pretty cool. But yeah, I'm still trying to get comfortable just being there.

One thing that I'm trying to do is to not look at people as this or that, but as people. I have trouble sometimes...because I think that people don't like me from time to time. But I know that we're all trying to live our lives the best we can. Sometimes we don't agree on things.

I don't know if any of the guys at my workplace know Christ. I might be maybe one out of 60. I don't know. I do know that I have not been a very good witness to my co-workers. All I do at work is work. I hardly talk to them, and sometimes I just want to go home after work. Everyone has their own lives outside of work, and I think that we just come to work to work. It's hard to talk to people when you're at the end of a conveyor belt, and you're trying to work fast. Also, when you feel like you're not being a good witness, it makes it that much harder to share Christ. I feel like such a poor witness.

I think that sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just want to keep to myself. I don't see myself sharing Christ to anybody at work. I don't care and they don't care. There is no friendship there, only co-worker relationships. There are friendships at work, but not with me. I'm always in a bad mood at work. I think that because the sun's not up and we're indoors when it does rise, it doesn't help at all. There are other reasons too...but I'd rather not get into those.

Don't get me wrong. I like and dislike my job. It's a good job in that I feel like I accomplish something everyday. But I feel like I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life. I don't see myself doing this for more than 1 year. I know what I need to do and I'd rather not post it. But I know what I need to do.

Anyway, this is just a rant. I have this job and it's the place where I belong for right now. I guess I have work to do. What do I really want in my life, or to do with my life?

Senior Sendoff

I saw some old faces last night. It was a good time, but I was really tired. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to talk...I just wanted to sleep. Well, it wasn't that extreme, but I had fun there talking to people.

The themes for the night seemed to be to "trust in God despite how hard things get." The whole worship set was like that. When life is good, hard, and unbearable, trust in God, always. I found that a good message to the seniors who were graduating. Life is going to get harder when you get out of school. You're not in a bubble anymore, but you're being swept into the ocean.

Carolyn gave a message at the end. When the disciples were crossing the lake and straining at the oars, Jesus had some powerful words to say when He came to them. "Take courage, it is I." I'll sum this up...in life she mentioned that through the difficult times when we're straining at the oars, she hopes that we can hear those words and see Christ there. (Something like that...I think...) Anyway, John 15:5 says, I am the vine, you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.

I found it encouraging in my own life...when I didn't have a job for awhile and I was wondering where I was going, God was there and still is. The struggles that I went through through post college life for this first year have taught me some things that I found important. This world is not a nice place. And God is there and He loves me regardless of what this world thinks of me. I also learned that I need to keep growing in my walk with Him. God is still teaching me that I need to see that God loves everyone else too and that I need to have the same attitude and caring. I still fail at that, but I'm becoming a little more understanding of other people...I think...you'd have to ask someone who knows me. And when I think about this, I think about some of my friends that I'm having trouble with and I'm thinking...that's still being worked out.

But I'm seeing that I just need to not take things personally and not get angry at things. One of my former roommates told me..."Don't get angry if people don't respond in the way that you'd like them to." Really, we all have free will and we're all people with individual feelings and thoughts. Wouldn't it be boring if everyone responded the same way? It's not easy, but I think that I'd rather have things this way and people not respond as well to me than to have people always respond well to me. I have some things that I need to work on and I know that I can become a better person.